Judge — November 11, 1922 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ye pilgrim from ye Bronx apartment winneth ye raffle of ye Thanksgivinge byrde Stories JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submit All others at regular rates. best. First Prize HE new minister stopped a little boy on the street. is your last name, little “Tommy Jones.” “Then Jones is your last name.” “No, sir. Jones was my name when I was born, but sister says I s not named Tommy until two s afterward.” Second Prize LD SQUIRE KEYTO: Alabama, had just been’ appointed Justice of the Peace, and was trying his first case. The squire knew more about running a country store than he did about the law. However, he had heard court proceedings to some extent, and all that had remained in his memory was the phra ‘Objection sustained.” Dr. Snead, the village lawyer and physician, was defending a negro for stealing chickens, while a youthful solici- tor was attending to the State’s case. The young solicitor made constant ob- jections during the course of the trial to which the squire’s reply was, always: “Objec- tion sustain Finally, toward the close of the trial, Dr. Snead, exasper- ated, jumped to his feet as another objection was_ sus. tained and remarked heat- edly, “Your Honor, my client has some rights in this court and I mean to see that he gets them. Unless the court sustains objections hereafter with more discretion, I shall feel compelled to sue out a , down in “Mother loves you n seventy-six thousand four hundred and nine. do you love mother?” to Original, unpublished humorou. writ of mandamus to compel it to do so!” Undisturbed, and with judicial mein, Squire Keyton replied: “Doctor, you ean sue out a writ of goddamus for all this court cares, but them rulings stands!” tote WO insurance salesmen were discuss- ing the policies of their respective The first salesman said: {y company makes practice of quick delivery to the beneficiary upon the death of the party insured y, only last week a man died and within twenty- four hours after his death we handed his wife a check for $5,000.” that’s nothing,” replied the other, “you see that twelve story build- ing over there? Well, our offices are on the fourth floor, and yesterday one of our policyholders fell ‘off the roof and we handed him his check as he went by the window.” companies. for this page, and $5 | stories only are wanted. three million nine hundred and How much Tell for the second ROSSING the parade ground, after ‘ guard mount, the second lieutenant happened to meet the colonel, who was evidently not in the best of humor. “Is that the proper way to. salute?” snapped the colonel. ‘The second lieutenant, apologizing, was allowed to proceed without further reprimand. A little further on he met the majo “Lieutenant, your uniform 1 grace. Don't appear before me in that condition again,” yelled the major. Shortly afterwards he crossed the path of his captain. “Brace up!” shouted the captain. try to maintain a soldierly appearance You're a disgrace to the regiment!” On leaving the captain he met first lieutenant. “If you make any mor mistakes like you made at guard mount this morning I'll take it up with the col onel,” said the first lieutenant strutted away. Forlorn and dejected, the second lieu tenant stood for an instant on the side walk, looking at the ground. \ dirty little fox terrier, the property of one of the enlisted men ne trotting down the street. As he reached the spot where the second lieutenant was standing he stopped a moment, showed his teeth and growled. The officer, turning aroun 1 slowly, drawled out: “Well, how did you know I was a second lieute “and the ashe N OLD lady describing the symptoms of her Iment to a noted but eccen. tric physician, said: trouble, doctor, is that Tcan neither lay nor set.” Whereupon the good ol! doctor answered her thus: “Then, madam, I would re- spectfully suggest the pro: priety of your roosting.”