Judge — September 30, 1922 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Confessions of a Bank Burglar by Ellis Parker Butler (Egy. Soc. Rec. XVI; 654) that the Egyptian pytamids were not o1 inally meant to Br totnbe, but were buil t as babies’ banks at a time when the cur- rency of Egypt had reached a state similar to that of Russia at the present moment— when if one wishes to drop a penny in the baby’s bank he must use a derrick and the bank has to be the size of a storage warehouse—suggests that even in those ancient days papa occasionally found him- self so FIRST Te suggestion of Professor Puppus cramped financially that he would turn papa who could pick up a hard stone Tihs mid, as Woolworth Building and covering a base area equal to the Sixth Ward, and snake it, must have a strong or cine i a ea] ees up for In‘my opinion the papa of that day did not upend the pyramids and joggle them. As a profess ional baby-bank burglar my opinion is that the small change of that day was paper money, and that papa put his mouth to the pyramid opening and sucked. I have used this method with excellent results when the bank was in the form of a tin house with a narrow tin chimney and a dollar bill was init. By placing # e mouth firmly over the chimney, and then sucking spiritedly, two results ure obtained, viz.: 1. The dust in the bank rises rapidly and is d ited on the inner linings of yon esop! larynx, lungs and liver— ve You get the dollar bill. N BURGLING a baby-bank by this method, which I have named the Suction Method, care must be taken not to stop to cough beween the instant when dust from the interior of the bank enters the throat and nostrils and the moment when the dollar bill is, so to speak, degure- itated. If a cough is coughed the bill pauses, hesitates and returns to its lair. It is also advisable to time the conclusion of the suck, or upward draft, correctly, or the dollar bill may proceed onward through the mouth, esop! s, larynx and other inher passages and glue itself against the liver, thus becoming extrémely difficult to retrieye without an expensive opera- tion. (Note: It i is extremely advisable for papas meaning to become burglars to to train their babes, soon after birth, to put nothing but real money in the Nothing so annoys a burglar as to suck like sixty and discover he has sucked up nothing but a cigar store cou- or ee of last Sunday’s Comic Nhe he, by t of the burglar is to get the do not hesitate to advise the use Fit (1) (1) the Free Arm Method or (2) the Hairpin Jiggle. I strong: advise against the Suction Method st fs in baby’s bank is in coin, Trectll aivotkrwiss excellent burglar papa who tried this once too often—or sucked too hard—with the result that $3.95 in copper cents hit the lid of his esophagus, bend- ing it inward and permitting the coins to enter his interior. The irony of it was that he had been robbing the bank to buy his monthly commutation ticket, but 1. Hecould not spend the pennies, and 2. He could never after catch the 8.15 train, because when he ran for it he jingled like sleigh bells, and if he did not run for it he could not get it. ‘HE Free Arm Shake is used when the bronchial tube of baby’s bank is free and unobstructed like a coal chute. The bank is grasped by the underneath and inverted and the hand is made to act as when cracking ice for a cocktail, -tising 4 rapidly and falling still more rapidly and stopping witha jerk. By this means over eight cents an hour can often be obtained and the muscles of the forearm and fingers given excellent development. It is advisable, if as much a a x or cighty eight cents is wanted, hange hands every fifteen cents lest ens arm become as big as a ham and the other atrophy to the size of a stork’s second joint. The Free Arm Shake can be used on ordinary tin banks, pottery pigs and other open-glottis banks, but the Hairpin Jigsle will produce better results when the bank is one of the new style affairs with a dooflapper in its intake. Wise parents, before buying baby’s bank, examine those available and instantly reject any having dooflappers, pats if Aunt Anna has given the Baby. such a bank the Hairpin Jiggle must be learned. The accepted Code of Practice of the Parent-Burglars Association follows: “Grasp the bank in the left hand, invert ph ron ee snares the need In the ight grasp a in by the legs— No. 7, chilled steel, black, preferred—and insert the upper or curved portion into the orifice of the bank. Open mouth 1% inches. Close left eye. With hair- pin hold dooflapper back against wall of the, so to speak, teller’s window of bank. ji bank up and down. If success- fully performed this operation will cause the coins in the bank (a) to slide down the