Judge — September 23, 1922 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Stor JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and Too Much Flashlight and a Persistent Amateur ies to Tell 5 for the second best. All others at regular rates. Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. First Prize N CARRYING a woman down the ladder from a burning build- ing, Pat, a gallant fireman, slipped and fell to the ground. The woman following landed heavily but safely upon the prostrate hero. A doctor summoned pronounced Pat unin- jured. “You're a brave gentleman,” said he. “Brave, begorra, but no gentle- man,” said Pat rubbing his injuries, “or I'd of let the lady go first.” Second Prize BEAUTIFUL girl who lived in a LA ‘seaport town was in a dire di- lemma; and in her extremity she took her trouble to the village astrologer and sooth: a “My Jack’s ship is due here the day after to-morrow,” she stated, “and oh, I just can’t see him this time “Oh, never mind,” replied the wise one, who divined how the land lay. “They say a sailor has a girl in every port; surely, then, a girl may have a chap on more than one ship.” “Yes, I know,” sobbed the girl. “But youl I've got two ships in port already.” tat N one of our public schools an Eco- omics class was discussing inter- national relationships and came to dwell on the hard feelings which once existed between England and America from a dispute as to the ownership of the seals in Behring Straits. The teacher noticed that during the discussion one young lad had been gazing longingly out of a window. So she sought to prove his ignorance by this sudden question: “William, what kind of fish have al times caused international trouble: William cast a rather puzzled look at the teacher, then correctly answered: “Bullheads, ma’am.” N ONE of the sight-seeing busses in a large city the man who rides at the front and points out the objects of interest has a stub forefinger on the right hand. It had been amputated at. the ond joint. On one of the trips a very © old lady plied him with ques- tion after question and finally getting personal she asked: “How did you hap- pen to lose your finger “) he replied, holding up the stub, “I wore that off pointing at things for inquisitive tourists.” ttt VRS. Re was 4 awakened in the night by a noise in an _ adjoining room. Instantly she sat up in bed strain- ing her ears for a repetition of the sound. It came again, a distinct grinding as if a chisel were being thrust in wood several times in succession. She gently shook her husband and breathed in his ear, “John, wake up, there’s a burglar in the house.” John crept from his bed and tiptoed cautiously and with some trepidation in the direction of the noise. Then, from the dining-room came i xd-curdling yell, a wild com- motion of trampling feet, srturned furniture and breathless cussing, that sent Mrs. R.’s head under the covers. Pt ently through the of pillow and blanke she heard the distressed voice of her husband. “Mary, for heaven’ sake turn on the lights—your confounded burglar has seampered up y pajama sot WO little brothers of five and seven ars, respectively, had proven a slight worry to a neighbor because of their boisterous conduct and because they invariably visited her at a time when they were hungry. They called very su denly one evening when the neighbor was 19 making candy, and in response to their shy and wistful looks, she gave each of them two pieces of candy. At this juncture their mother arrived, whereupon the older boy offered to divide his candy with the mother. When his two pieces had been consumed Jack called the attention of the neighbor to the fact that he had divided with his mother, while little Bob had selfishly disposed of his two pieces. The neighbor wished to take advantage of this occasion to impress the mother with the lack of manners in the two boys, and in a reproachful voice said to little Bob: “Now you see what a nice thoughtful boy your brother was. He was not selfish with his candy.” But Bob was not to be outdone and after a moment's pause retorted, “Well, you see, you didn’t give me enough to divide with mama and have y left for myself.” URPHY had been arrested for intoxication. The judge remarked “a dollar and costs,” but the prisoner was without the necessary money so was returned to jail. That evening a cousin appeared at police headquarters and expressed his willingness to settle the amount. The sergeant in charge was a gruff old soul, but had a grim humor. “How much is the fine?” queried Murphy’s cousin. “Eleven dollars, altogether,” said the sergeant shortly. “Well, I want to pay it,” returned the other as he counted out the money. “Now I wish you'd keep Murphy in the cooler for just one hour and then turn him loose. And special favor to me T want you to give him a good hard kick in the seat of the breeches as he goes vant eyed the visitor a second. er of amusement crossed his In fact, there wasn’t even a change to be seen in his usual serious countenance, “That'll cost you a dollar extra,” he said quictly. |