Judge — July 22, 1922 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Stor ies to Tell JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. First Prize N_ old Southern planter (once “Marse Davy’) said to an old negro: “Well, Tony, this i: birthday again—seventy-five years we've been together, as man and yy; three-quarters of a century and on one plantatic n.” “Sho nuff hit is, b lak dese here years is a treveling aroun’ a heap perter dan dey uster.” “That’s what’s on my mind, Tony, and in the course of events we can’t expect to remain here much longer— so I’ve been thinking seriously, Tony, —seriously—about the grave and the hereafter.” “Wa’t’s dat, boss?” “Well, I want to make a bargain with you, Tony, a solemn bargain, to this effect. Whichever one goes first, he will come back from the spirit world and tell the other one just what it looks like over there.” “Hit’s a bargain, suh. Dat suits me adzackly. But” (reflectively)— “but, Marse Davy, if you goes fus won’t youcome back in de day time: AAs Second Prize OW much is an ice cream chocolate soda?” asked a little six-year-old, as he sat down and put five cents on the counter. “Fifteen cents,” answered thesodaclerk. “Oh, dear!” said the little boy. “What can I get for five cents?” “T can let you have some ice cream,” answered the clerk. “I don’t want that ’cause I’m very thirsty and I want a drink.” “Well,” said the kind-hearted clerk, who seemed to take a liking to the lad, “I will give you a plain chocolate soda and let you keep your five cents.” “All right,” said the pleased youngster. As the soda clerk began to, make the soda the little boy remarked, “You're so generous to me that I'll buy five cents worth of ice cream. Please put it in the soda.” Bad ONE day on the street of a small Oklahoma town a district judge met an Indian friend of his who appeared to have suffered some great calamity. The All others at regular rates. Indian was bandaged from head to foot, walked with the aid of a crutch, and car- ried one arm in a sling. “Why, what’s the matter, Jim?” the Judge inquired. “Me tell you,” replied the Indian. “Other day me take out my new auto and ride around. Meet good friend Jo. He have bottle of corn whisky. He take drink, I take drink and we go along purty good. Soon he take ’nother drink and I take ‘nother drink, we go along purty good. Little while he take drink and I take drink, we go along purty good. Then along come bridge. We turn out!” PAS HE lady Dowager sailed gracefully down the lawn, her prize Pekingese in tow. She released her little darling and turned to some flowers. Glancing up she was horrified to see “Yum-Yum” squeezing through a narrow space in the wrought iron fence and escaping into the street beyond. “Help! Police!” she shouted, waving her arms above her head. Just then the grinning face of the Italian gardener appeared. Under his arm was the “Oh, Tony e exclaimed, “can’t you suggest ‘anything that I can do to prevent Yum-Yum from getting through the fence?” Tony thought for a minute and finally broke forth with, “Why you no getta da bigga dog?” Rad A@tT CANDACE was in a retrospec- tive mood. “Yassam, there wouldn’t be near so much of these comic ailments de white folks is laborin’ under if they'd jess try some of our ole subscrip- tions. “Yo never hear of de Bessy Bug treat- ment for yearache? Yassam, sure cure. It’s a long shiny bug with a little naik an’ jus’ one drap of blood in his haid. Yo’ hold him up to de year of what chile’s arache an’ he il w-h-i-n-e!_ Den ” off his haid and let dat one drap go in dat year an’ dat chile soon be well! “Now my Harry, ain’t a thing de mat- ter wif dat chile, but he will gorge till he cayn’t bend! I jes’ takes one of dem in; delicate pencils dat marks like ink an’ marks off a place on his little stummick, an’ claps on a plaster of iron rust from an ole tin pail mixed wif lard but don’t let it get outside de mark an’ make in- formation, Yassum, it cures!” 12 Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. PATRON of a large department store was puzzled by some of the items in his monthly bill, so he called up the accountant for an explanation. “Say, what do all these items in my bill mean— Powder, eighteen cents; powder, twenty- two cents; powder, $1.59; powder, thirty-five cents?” and he mentioned others. The accountant left the ’phone to look up the patron’s account and in a short time he returned and replied: ‘Well, you see, one item is for tooth powder, one is for shaving powder, one is for talcum powder, one is for face powder.” The patron scemed pacified so the ac- countant continued: ‘Is there anything else I can do for you to-day?” “Yes, you might send me up a keg of gun powder to my. apartment, I think I'll blow the dump up.” AAs 'HREE women, strangers, riding in a Pullman car, were traveling on passes. Two held tickets for lower berths, while the third had bought an upper. This happened to be the only upper berth occupied, making it rather conspicuous. The first two talked the circumstance over, and one remarked: “It looks rather cheap to hold a pass and then buy an upper berth.” The third woman, overhearing the conversation, replied: “Well, I am the only one in the car who can truthfully say, ‘I came down to breakfast.’ ” PASH ACHILD was visiting her aunt with her mother. At every meal her aunt said grace in the. same form, with the same words. To Betty it was getting monotonous. After the fourth meal she turned to her mother and asked: “Mother, is that the only story Aunt Alice know. SIS COMPANY of soldiers were having target practice, and Private Mur- phy, who had repeatedly missed, was ad- monished by the captain: “You can do better than that, Murphy. Now try it again, and don’t flinch!” Murphy fired, but as usual missed. “What was the matter with that last shot?” And the captain appeared ved. Murphy looked up and answered: “I s It was all right when it left