Judge — July 15, 1922 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

surer he is of going further up the ladder in politics. Still, with all this equip- ment, and with these peculiar qualities of heart and mind—dull wits, a ponderous manner, and no self-respect to check him in pushing himself where he was not wanted—Abijah P. Jenks found that some way he did not get on in politics and some way no one understood just why. He was not popular. His man- ner was stiff. He stood around at the hustings like a man sawed out of a two- inch board. He bought a self-improv- ing book on etiquette which told him not to use a nut pick on his teeth, without first saying “Beg pardon,” and never to pour water down a lady’s back, no matter how dimpled it may be, without an introduction. He studied political economy until he could talk like a New Republic addict, and he bought seed catalogs that he might learn to lie plau- sibly. He went to the gymnasium where a self-improvement gent taught Abijah how to straddle. He learned the high broad jump. Indeed in his whole county no one could dodge an issue so adeptly as Abijah P. Jenks. | Don't KooW waar iit po! CRS. PHATT WAS UNPLEAJANTLY PLUMP-- AND YYORRIED ABOUT HER APPEARANCE Trying it on the fish ND then one day he found it—the magic secret of success. It was a simple little brochure entitled “How to Shake Hands.” Day after day Abijah stood before his phonograph practicing his art. They gave him the “Anvil Chorus” from “Trovatore” for the free hand swing of the honest toiler. And as the record clanged away he would grab the thin air and shake for two bars, bawling in syncopation with the music: “How are you?” and repeating it four times. For the first voter from the laundry or the young ladies’ school he put on “The End of a Perfect Day,” and held the hypothetical hand until the last beat in the second stanza, and mur- mured a sort of obbligato about being charmed. For women between thirty and fifty he put on a Beethoven Andante —say from the string quartet in “G” minor, and following the instructions in the book, used both hands and including a pianissimo pressure of the forehand if justified by the response received in the opening bars of the piece. For college- bred young men and cake-eaters his in- structions bade him put on “Peggy O'Neil,” and he had a jujutsu movement that always pulled out a ballot and got Abijah a vote. It was a real majority maker. But the landslide projector he found in the appendix to the book en- titled, “Baby Kissing at Home or How to Knock "Em Cold.” For long hours he stood before his phonograph which played “Shubert’s Serenade.” With book in hand, he read the instructions. At every accented note he would pucker THE Couron venus was A MICE LOOKING woman 50 SUE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. — —~ EXERCISE SHE TOOK UP THE MATTER WITH THE VENUS SOCIETY, INCOHY BEFAT?” #10. | EXERCISE icant EVEN g SEE THE AND GAINED FORTY-FIVE POUNDS THE FIRST WEEK (NA MONTH HER OVIN MOTHER HYOULDN HAVE KAOHIN HER-AtiD- NOW SHE DOESNT CARE Wow SHE LOOKS. | CULTURE—BY COUPON How one woman got peace of mind 4