Judge — June 17, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

N OLD farmer was talking to a country doctor recently, when a second patient came up and asked for a cure for chills. Before the doctor had a chance to reply, the first man spoke up: “I kin tell you a surer remedy than Doc kin,” he said. “You just take a twine string and make a knot in it for every time that you've had a chill. Then the next time you have one, you catch a frog and tie that thar string around him so it goes under one front leg and the other hind leg and turn him loose. You won't never have another chill. But if you tie one more knot in the string than you have had chills, you'll have the hardest one you ever had in all your life."—Columbian Missourian. Mrs. Main Street (meeting Mrs. New Street in the drug store)—I hear you're going to be on the jury. Mrs. New Street (trying to disguise her pride)—Yes, and there's only twenty-three people drawn altogether. “Is it the grand jury?” “Why, of course. I wouldn't be on that other kind of jury."—New York Sun. The Mistress—Really, Justine, you are wearing very pretty silk stockings. The Maid—Don't be uneasy, ma- dame; I got these at my last situa- tion—London Opinion. ia VaVaVaVaVaVa¥s “TI tell you, my boy—the man that marries my daughter gains a prize!” “By jove! Jolly good idea—what! Is it—er—a cash prize or just a silver pot?”—Passing Show (London). Lord Leverhulme some time ago bought an island off the coast of Scot- land, with a view of improving the lot of its thirty thousand inhabitants, mostly small farmers, farm workers and fisher folk. Lord Leverhulme’s lawyer drew up a very elaborate con- tract to be signed by each tenant. It contained no fewer than twenty-six clauses or stipulations. “One old fellow,” relates Lord Leverhulme with great gusto, “re- turned the contract unsigned and sent with it this note: ‘I haven't been able to keep the Ten Commandments for the sake of a mansion in heaven, and I'll be damned if I'll agree to keep twenty-six commandments for a sma’ hoose in the Island of Lewis.’ "—Los Angeles Times. “What's the best way to make a farm profitable?” “I have about decided,” answered Farmer Corntassel, “that the best way is to lay it out in city lots or golf links."—Washington Star. Collect and congregate are synony- mous, yet the church often finds that there is a vast disparity between the collection and the congregation.— Omaha World-Herald. Digest of the World’s Humor Henry Allen Wilson, secretary of the New England Anti - Tobacco League, said in an address in Port- land: Carefully compiled statistics show us that for every cigar a man smokes he shortens his life three days, while with every cigarette he shortens his life a week.” At this point a prominent Portland physician rose in the rear of the hall “Are those statistics absolutely accurate?” he asked. “Absolutely, sir,” said Secretary Wilson. “Why?” “Because it’s rather important,” ex- plained the physician. “You see, if your statistics are accurate, I've been dead over 300 years."—Detroit Free Press. “T'll bet a lot of the fellows that come in here get stuck on you?” gal- lantly ventured Burt Blurt of Petunia in the Rapid Fire restaurant. “Ye-ah!” returned Heloise, the wait- ress. “But a heap more dime than quarter ones.”"—Kansas City Star. “In my occupation my clothes don't wear out!” “What are you, then?” “A model for the nude!” — Der Brummer (Berlin).