Judge — May 13, 1922 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a a a i tt et MOVIE ACTOR named Fitz- jinks consumed some hot fer- mented drinks, and then, while’ he was seeing red, unwisely punched a neighbor's head. A movie actress named Bejames was given to unseemly games; she filled up on synthetic beer and got divorces thrice a year. And sundry other movie sports have lately figured in the courts, accused of divers fearful crimes—we're living in un- godly times! And, in my snowy robes arrayed, I started leading a crusade to have the movie people canned, and films sup- pressed throughout the land. “With tongue and pen,” I said, “I'll fight this plague spot to its last good night. These movie guys lead youths astray, who ought to walk the narrow way, make law and order seem a jest, and knock our morals galley west.” Then said the barber, with his shears, who combed the hair behind my ears across the bald spot, as desired, “You blamed re- formers make me tired. Ten thousand blooming movie queens are highly moral actorines. Ten thousand actors of that ilk are straight and good and fine as silk. They aim to reach the dazzling heights, and do not skid around o’ nights, for well they know they'll miss renown unless they bravely buckle down. They’re leading clean and wholesome lives, the hus- bands living with their wives. “A few black sheep anon appear, and on their hinder limbs they rear, and yell and make a lot of noise; you see these giddy girls and boys, and hear the racket they upraise, and say, ‘We'll can all movie plays! We'll jail the actors one and all, and shut up every picture hall!’ “Now I can name a dozen bards who don’t deserve our high regards. And some are bums who beat their way, and run up bills and never pay; and some are leading graceless lives with other fellows’ cast-off wives. Con- sult the list of famous potes, and mark how many lost their goats, who cast all morals to the breeze, whose records “Ten thousand blooming movie queens are highly moral actorines.” Roasting the Movies By Watt Mason IttustrRATION By Henry J. Peck smell like ancient cheese. But shall we put all bards in jail, and ride sweet singers on a rail, because one poet died of booze, because another stole some shoes? Why burn the works of Scott and Pope and Shakespeare’s fine, immortal dope, because Bob Burns was always stewed, and Byron's life was rather lewd? “A score of preachers in the pen are wishing they were out again. They were locked up for divers crimes, from murder down to swiping dimes. But should the churches all be closed because some priests were ill-dis- posed? And shall we shut the Sunday schools because some teachers broke the rules? Why smite a legion for the sins of members who're not even twins?” “You talk too much, my friend,” I said; “you're hired to toil around my head, and comb my locks of raven hue, and make my whiskers look like new. Instead of which you chew the rag and make my martial spirit sag. You're old enough to know, I wot, that reason’s bunk, and facts are rot. When we reformers take the trail, our aim’s 13 to put some folks in jail, and kick up all the dust we can—it is the old, trustworthy plan. What do your truths and facts avail, if we can put some ginks in jail, and get our pic- tures in the prints, right side by side with ‘Household Hints’? Now stain my sideboards green and pink, and don't think.” hand out the thoughts you A MEMORY “You talk about the good old days and the fun you used to have. Why, you didn’t even have moving pic- tures!” “No, my boy, have moving pictures; but we had living pictures.” it’s true we didn’t DOESN'T PAY “So you don’t talk to your wife about your business affairs?” “Never. As soon as she finds out I have a little money she demands a bonus.”