Judge — April 15, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ie BELLBOY has invented an in- genious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo on the door. “Well?” he demanded sharply. “I’ve got a message for you, sir.” Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and un- locked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: “It’s time to get up.”—Pitts- burgh Chronicle-Telegraph. Ben Turpin’s press agent has a story about the comedian that will be en- joyed by his admirers: Ben went into a bank recently to have a check cashed. The teller looked him over carefully and asked: “Have you any way to identify yourself?” “Sure!” replied Ben. And he be- came cross-eyed and did his famous film fall. “Now do you know me?” he asked. “No,” answered the teller. “But here’s your money. You’ve earned it.’—Youngstown Telegram. A portly woman had, by mistake, taken a seat in a railway coach re- served for smokers. With uncon- cealed indignation she saw the man next to her fill his pipe. “Sir,” she said in frigid tones, “smoking always makes me ill.” The man calmly lit his pipe and puffed contentedly, and at the same time replied: “Does it, ma’am? Well, take my advice and give it up.”—Chicago Her- ald and Examiner. “Did you ever win an argument with Mrs. Dubwaite?” “Once,” said Mr. Dubwaite.” “What about?” “I don’t recall, but I have a vivid recollection that her mouth was full of hairpins.”—Birmingham Age-Herald. Among the day’s pathetic figures is the local storekeeper who, locked in a telephone booth by a holdup man, didn’t have a nickel to phone for the police.—Buffalo Express. “Have you ever noticed, pa, how often ma says ‘And so on, and so on’?” “Yes, my son, but it never applies to buttons.”—Boston Transcript. “Why, dear, this is the fifteenth taxi you have taken since yesterday!” “Didn’t I tell you how strongly I protested against the high price of automobiles?”—Le Rire (Paris). 22 Digest of the World’s Humor “Instead of urging these men to fight, you ought to try to stop them,” said the indignant bystander. “Don’t you worry about this little set-to,” said the man who was holding the belligerents’ hats and coats. “Both of them are kin to me, and no matter which one wins I can’t lose.”—Bir- mingham Age-Herald. A certain French-Canadian, whose knowledge of the king’s English was rather sparse, was invited to stay a few days with some English-speaking friends in Montreal. On his arrival, the following conversation ensued: “Comment ea va, Pierre? How are you?” “Well, my fr’en’, I don’t feel ver’ good. I hafe a little hourse on the t’roat; in fac’ I have a colt.”—Satur- day Evening Post. “Have those slouchy old men I saw hugging the stoves in the groceries and elsewhere any occupation?” asked a guest who had just returned from a stroll around town. “Yep! Waiting for summer to come, so’s they can loaf outdoors and see everything that’s going on,” re- plied the landlord of the Petunia tavern.—Kansas City Star. “T understand you have all the money you want,” said the ancient publisher. “T have,” answered Solomon. “Well, I’m sorry. Those proverbs of yours are good stuff. I might have made some money for both of us by syndicating them.”—Washington Star. “Does your wife go to church to see what other women wear?” asked Mr. Nosey. “No,” replied Mr. Newrich, “we are now sufficiently prosperous for her to go in order to let other women see what she wears.”—Boston Transcript. “Why do you irritate the cook?” “I want her to whip some cream. She chastises it thoroughly when she is irritated.”—Louisville Courier-Jour- nal. North—The doctor says that deep breathing will kill microbes. West—Yes, but how are we going to make ’em breathe deep?—New York Sun.