Judge — April 8, 1922 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Digest of ate old negress who washed for Mrs. Worth came one day with a tale of woe calculated to awaken pity in the hardest heart. “Cheer up, auntie,” said Mrs. Worth consolingly, “there’s no use worrying.” But auntie held other views. “How come dere’s no use worryin’?” she de- manded. “When de good Lawd send me tribulation He done spect me to tribulate, ain’t He?” — Everybody's Magazine. “You play golf?” “Yes,” said Mr. Grabcoin. “That’s a good way to preserve your health.” “Yes. I'd rather swat a pill than swallow one.”—Birmingham Age-Her- ald. “Has that young Thingmajigger per- son proposed to you yet?” “No, mamma, but don’t worry; he’s going to teach me to drive his car, and if he doesn’t grab me pretty soon I'll start for a ditch!”—Richmond Times- Dispatch. “I don’t see why you shouldn’t be comfortable and happy.” “I am,” confided Farmer Corntassel. “Only I try to keep up my share of the complainin’ so’s to keep the neigh- bors from feelin’ I’m unsociable.”— Washington Star. Grogan—Oi’ll not take it. It’s too high. There’s as much nourishment in a pint av paynuts as in two pounds av steak, anyway. Butcher—That may be, but there’s no gravy an’ nothin’ for the cat an’ no hash the nixt day.—Boston Transcript. “I wonder if it’s true that good Americans, when they die, go to Paris?” “One cannot tell; but I think it very probably that bad Parisiens, when they die, go to America!”—London Mail. Ten Bob's Worth. London Opinion. With a sentimental leaning toward the days of his own youth, a certain business man sent his son to the col- lege where he had himself been edu- cated. On arriving at the place of much knowledge the young man began to make a few inquiries. “I should like to see my father’s record,” said he to the head of the college. “He was here in 1890.” “I shall be very pleased to show you the record,” was the reply. “But have you any special reason for con- sulting it?” “Well,” replied the youth frankly, “when I left home dad told me not to disgrace his record, and I only want to see how far I can go.”—London Weekly Telegraph. “Has this photoplay you are talking about any educational value?” “Have you ever seen a roulette wheel in operation?” “No.” “It will educate you to that extent.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. “Men,” she declared contemptuously, “are absolutely lacking in self-control, judgment and good taste.” “Possibly, my dear,” he responded, “but just think how many old maids there would be if they were not!”— Cincinnati Enquirer. “Your celebrated prisoner got away?” “Yes,” said the rural jailer. “When he borrowed my keys and told me somebody wanted to see me in the alley on important business, confound his picter, I knew he wuz up to some- thin’!”—Birmingham Age-Herald. mor “Personally, you know, I am very fond of hunting. But then, you see I belong to the society for the pro tection of animals. However, I found a way out of my difficulty. When- ever I go hunting, I use blank car- tridges.”—La Baionnette (Paris). “T don’t see how you manage to live within your income, Jones. Aren't you cramped?” “Cramped is no name for it! I have to go out and borrow $5 every time I want to stretch.’—Wayside Tales. It has just about gotten so in some towns that little girls aren’t even rais- ing their dolls right.—Dallas News. “This fellow, Skinner, tried to tell me that he has had the same automobile for five years and has never paid a cent. for repairs on it,” said the Fat Man. “Do you believe that?” “I do,” replied the Thin Man sadly “I’m the man who did his repair work for him.”—Cincinnati Enquirer. “That must be an interesting novel Felice is reading.” “Why do you think so?” “She’s been at it steadily for half an hour without lifting a bon-bon.”— Birmingham Age-Herald. Fleurette—I have been to see that new play of Machin’s. Marie—Full of ideas, isn’t it? “Yes; I especially noticed a skirt of lace, cross-gored; a coat in a new shade of gray, and an orange tunic decorated with green spots!”—La Baionnette (Paris). ‘The Departing Guest—Don’t let me miss my train. Chauffeur—No fear o’ that, sir. Guv’nor said if I did, it’d cost me my job!—London Opinion. comicbooks.com