Judge — March 11, 1922 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

best. THERE HE GOES! N EX-DOUGHBOY and an ex-gob were applying for work on board a cargo ship. The sailor was signed up on the spot, but the soldier, much to his disgust, was required to get recommendations from former em- ployers before he could sign. Three days at sea found the soldier swabbing the deck and the gob over the side of the ship with a brush and a bucket of paint. His bridge was none too substantial and the first heavy swell took lines, bucket, sailor and all from the side of the ship. The soldier watched him as he struggled to regain the ship, but each swell took him further away. The captain was called to the rail, “Remember the guy you hired without any recommendations?” asked the soldier. “Yea.” “Well,” sighed the doughboy, “there he goes with your bucket of paint!” SO MOTHER SAYS “There was one man whose life was perfect,” said the preacher who had taken charge of the Sunday School class in the absence of the regular teacher. “Can any of you tell me who he was?” Little Johnny Burke, who had been following the activities of a fly at- tempting to go through the window, stuck a dirty fist in the air, and the preacher smiled at him to give his answer. “Sure. band.” He was mamma's first hus- All others at regular rates. First Prize A RESTRICTED SALE After unraveling the usual red tape connected with the process of interviewing the buyers for one of the country’s largest depart- ment stores, a young chap who gave his name as Michael O’Hooli- han, succeeded in being ushered in to the sanctum sanctorum of the hosiery buyer, to whom he dis- played a box of silk stockings. “Phwat de ye t’ink o’ dese at four dollars a dozen?” he de- manded. A casual inspection of the mer- chandise convinced the buyer that the stockings were exceptionally fine, of the grade selling in the open market at about ten dollars a dozen; so he replied, without hesitation, that he could take five thousand dozen, immediate de- livery, at the usual term: “The divil ye will!” replied Michael, “them is the only ones fell offa the wagon.” Second Prize SIMPSON’S SOLICITUDE Simpson had been invited to the wedding of his friend, Tom. Arriving at the home, Simpson was formally in- troduced to the bride—whom he had never met. After the ceremony, Simp- son drew his friend aside. “Tom,” he whispered, “what in the St OR TES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second Original, unpublished humorous stories only are desired. world is the matter with you?) Why, that woman is twice as old as you! Her hair and her teeth are false, and she’s as ugly as a toad!” “You needn’t whisper, she’s also deaf.” Simpson; BAD EITHER WAY To play a trick on a drunken man, some friends tied a monkey to the foot of his bed. When the man regained consciousness and saw the monkey, he stared and stared. Then, pulling a re- volver from under his pillow, he took deliberate aim at the little animal and said: “Well, old fellow, if you are a monkey you're in a hell of a fix; if you’re not a monkey then I’m in a hell of a fix.” NAMES Abraham Lincoln Jones, colored, was in indignant controversy with Wash- ington Scott, also colored. The dice had been turning up in favor of the chocolate-tinged Washington, and a faint suspicion of fraud began to dawn upon Jones. “Look heah, you niggah,” he blurted out, “dem things got to tuhn diff’nt or day’s goin’ be a big fuss roun’ heah!” “Fuss? Man, fuss? Wi'at kine of fuss yo’ kallilate stahtin’? Know who Iam? Down in Looville dey call me Wood Alcohol, I'se so tough.” “Wood Alcohol! Dat ain’t no name fo’yo,” rejoinedAbraham. “Why,down Nashville, whah I come from, dey'd call yo’ Sweet Cidah.” Parlor Sofa—I certainly am a back number these days. 10