Judge, 1921-12-31 · page 6 of 37
Judge — December 31, 1921 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis of Judge Magazine Page The text, titled "Somebody's Mother," is a satirical opinion piece attacking wristwatches as a source of social corruption. The author argues that wristwatches—adopted widely after 1914—bear direct responsibility for increased crime rates in America (citing 287,965 crimes committed that year). The satire works through absurd logic: by enabling people to track time precisely, wristwatches supposedly encourage criminal behavior and moral decay. The author demands a constitutional amendment prohibiting all timepieces. This appears to be early 20th-century social critique using humor to mock either progressive reformers' tendency toward extreme positions or society's susceptibility to blaming new technology for social problems. The faint sketch at the top likely illustrates "somebody's mother," though details are unclear.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“Somebody's Mother” Have you ever stopped to think that no man commits crime in his sleep? Have you ever stopped to think that alarm clocks are the great awakeners of men? I have gathered statistics that show that of 287,965 crimes committed in America last year 287,965 were done by men while awake. I hold the alarm clocks directly re- sponsible for all this crime. I look forward eagerly to the time when all clocks, sundials, hourglasses, watches and time- recording candles will be abol- ished. I demand the prohibition of wrist watches especially. The wrist watch, until the year 1914, was undoubtedly responsi- ble for practically all the male effeminacy in America. After 1914 the wrist watch dragged our youth into still greater hideous- ness. Almost immediately after buckling a wrist watch on his wrist the American youth became bloodthirsty, crossed the ocean and began to fight and kill. It must be evident to all that the World War was the direct result of the heinous watchmakers. Not satisfied with producing watches that dragged our youth down to effeminacy they created—for the sake of the dirty profits—wrist watches that turned our peaceful boys into bayonet jabbers. Let us prohibit all timepieces, my friends! Let me not mention here the dread work of the ankle watch. This is a subject not to be taken up in a respectable periodical, but I have with my own eyes seen girls—beautiful girls—who might have been safe in respectable homes, dragged on to the stages of public theaters and made to caper and dance by the watches strapped on their ankles. The subject is too delicate to carry further. Let us prohibit all timepieces. My friend, do you know that timepieces mark the hours, and that hours are what make days, and that days are what make years? Do you know that old age and decrepitude are the di- rect result of years? Let us pro- hibit clocks and there will be no more hours to make days to make years. Ponce de Leon, poor imbecile, sought a Fountain of Youth! We know now that youth cannot be given by a fountain. Youth is due to an absence of years in the hu- 4 man ego. Years can only be done away with by abolishing days; days can only be abolished by doing away with hours; hours can only be ended by prohibiting clocks. My friends, are you aware that as a master Time is an evil mon- ster? Who are his servants? Every convict is serving time. Nine out of ten politicians are timeservers. I have statistics to prove that before the invention of clocks there was not one con- vict in Sing Sing prison. I know one case—a most pathetic case— of a sailor ashore on leave. He loitered and when the time came for him to take his watch he took another man’s watch, including a gold chain and a charm contain- ing the tooth of an elk. He only wanted a good time, and he got it—two years and six months. I demand a constitutional amendment prohibiting clocks and I ask—I beg—every reader to write his senator and representa- tive demanding immediate action in Congress. If you do not know the name of your senator or representative write to Santa Claus. comicbooks.com