Judge — December 31, 1921 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

STORIES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. WAS HE DRUNK? Standing on the slippery pavement of a small Southern town one rainy night, like sailors on a reeling deck, they were dis- cussing a member of their party who had had to retire from the scene of action. The principal speaker in the group appeared to be having some difficulty in keeping his footing on the swaying pavement. The buildings on either side bowed and rocked. The tele- phone poles did some sort of contor- tionist stunt, and even his voice was a bit thick. “Where's Sam?” another member of the group asked him. “We took him home,” the first speaker informed him between hic- coughs. “Was he drunk?” “Drunk? It took three of us to get his hat in the car.” PLAYING SAFE In spite of repeated warnings from his father, little Bobby persisted in driving nails into blocks and boards. He had arrived at the play-at-carpenter stage. One morning dad heard the familiar pounding, and looking out he saw Bobby busily banging away—his little sister Mary down beside him, appar- ently looking on. “Haven't I told you, Bobby, that you will mash your fingers if you drive nails?” the father asked. “Yes, I know, dad, but Mary’s hold- ing the nail.” NO WATER THERE A large sporting - goods concern shipped to one of its customers in the country a water polo ball. In the course of a week or ten days the ball was returned with the following note: “We are returning for credit one water polo ball shipped us recently. The customer for whom we ordered this ball is dead, and where he has gone there ain’t no water.” All others at regular rates. JUST LUCK Bobby had prayed for a little brother and was very much disappointed when a sister came instead, but the nurse explained there were four babies born in the hospital that day, and they were all boys. The next day he was some- what reconciled, and asked the nurse: “Well, how are they running to- day?” First Prize A DIFFERENCE EXPLAINED Two darkey boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wear- ing anew suit. One asked: “Nig- ger, how much do they set you bask for dem clo’s?” “Fo’ty dollahs,” sponse. “Fo’ty dollahs?” “Yes, sah; fo’ty dollahs.” “Look at me,” said the first. “T’se got on a suit w’at’s mos’ perzactly like yourn, and I don’t pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore flimflammed you.” The possessor of the forty dol- lar suit took hold of one of the coat sleeves of the ten dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then straightening up he said: “See here, boy, the fust big rain yo’ gets ketched out in dat coat of yourn is gwine to say, ‘Good- bye, nigger, fom now on I'se gwine be yo’ vest’!” was the re- Second Prize A PROPHECY A farmer in the cotton belt of South Carolina was motoring along at a lively clip in his four-thousand dollar touring car, and as he turned into his private drive-way that leads up to his sumptuous home a boll weevil hopped up on his shoulder and said, “Let me drive a little.” “No!” “Aw, come on. Let me drive!” re- peated the boll weevil. “Nothing doing.” “Might as well let me drive your old car,” retorted the boll weevil, “cause I’m going to take it, anyhow, next year.” 20 Original, unpublished humorous stories are desired. UNFOUNDED FEAR He was a citizen highly esteemed The doctors had arrived to perform a minor operation in his home. He feared the neighbors might not under- stand, should his wife make undue noise while under the influence of the anesthetic, for she was a woman who never kept still. “Mrs. Mullen, if you hear my wife scream, don’t be alarmed; the doctors are administering ether,” he said to a neighbor, wiping the perspiration from his brow as he stood on the front porch. “Is that so? I would not have called the police anyway,” she replied sweetly, “for I would not suppose the Assistant Commissioner of Charities and Corrections would beat his wife.” And she continued gathering roses. THE MISSING CHICKEN A popular Oklahoma city salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence. “Where is my chicken?” he asked somewhat irritably. The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman’s ear, replied: “Ef youse mean de li’l gal with blue eyes an’ fluffy hair, she doan’ wo’k heah no mo’, SELF-SUPPORTING An attorney of Los Angeles adver- tised for a chauffeur. Some twenty- odd responded and were being ques- tioned as to qualifications, efficiency and whether married or single. Fi- nally, turning to a negro chap, he said: “How about you, George; are you mar- ried?” Quickly the negrorespond- ed: “Naw -sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin’, comicbooks.com