Judge — December 24, 1921 — page 27: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Tramp—Would you please ’elp work?—London Mail. Brown had what he thought was a clever idea to stave off an unwelcome visit from his mother-in-law. “My dear,” he said to Mrs. B., “you have asked me to do two things. One is to give you a new fall suit and the other to send to your mother a check to defray her traveling expenses. I can’t afford to do both. Which shall it be?” Her reply showed him how foolish he was to match his wits against hers. “Send mother the check, by all means,” she said quickly. “I’ve al ready ordered the suit.’—Boston Tran- script. HOME DINNERS Mrs. Blackstone—Is your husband fond of home cooking? Mrs. Webster—Oh, yes; we have dinner every night in a restaurant that makes a specialty of it!—New York Sun. “Step lively,” says the guard in the subway. “Move on,” says the policeman. “Don’t walk on the grass,” reads the sign in the park. “Grape juice?” said the bartender.— Dallas News. The only nation capable of licking the world is stagnation.—E/ mira Star- Gazette. “Is this the Board of Conciliation?” “Yes. Have you some _ labor troubles?” “No, but I thought you might send somebody to talk to my wife.”—Louis- ville Courier-Journal. “You say you doted on your last mistress?” “Yes, mum. _I certainly did.” “Then why did you leave her?” “We couldn’t continue to be friends on my wages, mum.” — Birmingham Age-Herald. a pore man whose wife We excuse them. When a girl has to pay $20 for low shoes and $50 for a silk sweater she shouldn’t be expected to wear much of a dress. — South Charleston Sentinel. “How is it with you and Mr. Windy, Anna? Did you explain everything to him? You told him about your rich aunt, of course; and after that what followed?’* “He eloped with her.”—Der Brum- mer (Berlin). “Advertising costs me a lot of money.” “Why, I never saw your goods ad- vertised.” “They aren’t. But my wife reads other people’s ads."—New York Sun. A vamp is a young woman who acts the way an old maid thinks.—Los Angeles Times. all —_— Toy Am Ey Z “I ‘ear your ’usband ’as turned Bolshie!” THE MISSOURI ATTITUDE “What have you got on tap to-day, son?” asked the uncouth stranger from the Squirrel Hill neighborhood. “Anything you want,” said the soda water jerker. “Tl just step down here to th’ end of th’ counter where there ain’t such a crowd an’ give you a chance to make good on that there proposition, son.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. Edith—But why did you become en- gaged to Jack if you don’t intend to marry him? Mabel—Well, poor Jack is very sen- sitive, and you know it mortifies a man much more to be refused than to have the engagement broken.—Boston Transcript. “No difference how cunning you think your children are, you’re likely any minute to hear tell of smarter ones,” philosophically remarked Gap Johnson of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “I was all puffed up about the cuteness of my last boy, Bearcat, till the pre- siding elder mentioned about Job, tuther day. ’Pears like Job cursed the day he was born, but Bearcat was durn nigh four years old before he could swear to amount to anything.” —Kansas City Star. “James, have you whispered to-day without permission?” “Only wunst.” “Leroy, should James have said wunst?” “No’m; he should have said twict.” —Winnipeg Tribune. “Who's th’ sporty stranger in Chig- gersville, Zeke?” “He says his name’s John Doe. Ever hear of the feller?” “Yep, b’lieve I have. But I always thought he was an older man.”—Bir- mingham Age-Herald. ae “Well, not absolootly; but ’e ‘as a lenin’ that way."—The Weekly Telegraph (London). .comicbooks.com