Judge — December 17, 1921 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

S TORT S TO E Davi TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. best. First Prize THE VENTRILOQUIST On a warm summer's after- noon a resident was talking to a traveling ventriloquist who was going to put on a show that night in a little Southern town. An old darky approached. He was balancing a clothes basket on his head from which protruded the front paws and head of a large turtle he had just caught in the river. “Let’s have some fun with the eld darky,” said the ventriloquist. So he threw his voice into the basket: “What are you going to do with me?” The old darky stopped and rolled his eyes toward the basket and then moved on. Again the question was asked supposedly by the turtle: “What are you going to do with me?” The old man stopped and asked: “Did you speak to me?” The voice replied: “Yes; I said, what are you going to do with me?” The old negro, a picture of fright, replied: “I’s gwine ter drap you right heah!” And he dropped basket and turtle and fled. Second Prize THE ELECTIONEER In a Western city, just before an election for city officers, one of the candidates, a Mr. Grow, a very fat man who aspired to be councilman from his ward, made a house to house canvass soliciting votes. At one place his knock brought forth a young and frisky dog, which leaped through the open door when it was opened by the lady of the house, and ran the candidate off the porch and down the front walk toward the gate. The woman at the door, knowing the dog to be harmless, called to the fleeing candidate, “What are you run- ning for, Mr. Grow?” And Mr. Grow, with the office in his mind, even in the presence of danger, called back between gasps, “Council- man of this ward, madam!” All others at regular rates. WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE In one of our foreign districts the teacher just out of normal school was teaching her little class of German children the word “hat.” She drew on the board the crude shape and figure of a hat. She was quite zealous. All must be clear. To make the lesson more sure and the hat more natural she added a feather. “What would you say is on the board now?” she expectantly asked. “Well, Karl,” she indicated, “you may answer.” “Please, teacher, I vould say it vas a shicken,” Karl beamingly responded. LOGIC The children had a package ready to mail to a cousin who was spending the summer in Colorado. Their mother told each one to write something in the letter that was to go with it. John, aged four, picked up an old letter from his father’s desk and said very seriously: “I’m going to send Alice this letter. It’s a good letter, and it’s already written.” INHERITED Johnny Browne was the brightest boy in his class, but was also the naughtiest. After a time the teacher’s patience was exhausted. She wrote a note and gave it to Johnny for his mother, who read the following: “John Browne is the brightest boy in the class, but also the most mis- chievous. What shall I do?” Without a word John’s mother wrote the following in the upper left hand corner: “Do as you like. full with his father.” THE CHASER The children had an old-fashioned music box. Their music was the airs of all nations; and mother, in the room below the nursery, was shocked to hear “The Watch on the Rhine” played at frequent intervals. So she called the little ones down. “Helen,” she said to the eldest, aged nine, “do you know what that tune you are playing so much is?” Before Helen could answer, up piped Billy, a lad of five. “Why, of course, mother, we know it’s the German’s song, but you see we play it when we're tired and want to sit down!” I’ve my hands JUSTIFYING HASTE He was well past three score years and ten, and when, a few months after burying his second wife, he took unto himself a third only about half his own age, it created a furore in the small Southern town in which he re- sided. Being a pillar in his church, a meeting was called to look into the matter. “Brother Bankston,” began one of the elders, after a tactful approach of the subject by another member, “don’t you think you were in rather much of a hurry in this last matrimonial ven- ture?” The old man arose and gave the gathering a sweeping look. “Brethren, most assuredly I was ina hurry. You must remember I am_ seventy-odd years old, and I have to be in a hurry with anything I want to do now.” LITTLE JOHNNY’S CURIOSITY Little Johnny, though he had been to the poultry show the night before with his father and his uncle, insisted that he be taken again on the night that his mother and aunt decided to go. After pleadings didn’t serve to daunt the little fellow’s determination, it was decided to take him along. While at the show the lad enjoyed himself immensely, but on the way out of the building he seemed rather re- luctant to leave, and continually looked back inquiringly. Finally he said to his mother, “Ma, let’s wait until they let the animals loose.” “Why, Johnny,” said the mother, “they don’t let the animals loose.” “Oh, yes, they do,” said Johnny “Last night Pa said to Uncle Henry, ‘let’s stick around awhile. We might get a chance to pick up a couple of chickens.’ ” PAT’S PHILOSOPHY Pat and Mike were working on the section. An extra freight train came unexpectedly around a curve. Mike jumped from the track, but Pat dropped his shovel and took to his heels in front of the train. The engi- neer whistled, but Pat kept running and finally rolled off the rails just as the train was about to run him down. “Why didn’t ye git off the track, ye blamed fool?” demanded Mike. “Well, ye see,” panted Pat, “it was better runnin’ on the track.” comicbooks.com