Judge — August 13, 1921 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Drawn by Cuester + Author of “The Purple Cow,” EADER, listen: Do you ever, R in dreams, experience levita- tion? No, I don’t mean nightmare or indigestion—nor that popular brand of dream wherein one visits 42nd Street and Broadway in a nightshirt. Levitation, you know, is derived from two Patagonian words meaning Floating in the Air. It’s simply heavenly. Well, Gerrish had this delectable disease every night, the same as some people have warts or mothers-in- law. Scarcely ever did he go to sleep without becoming a sort of human pink balloon. By a mere effort of will and a slight contraction of his great toes he could rise and float— float off anywhere—to Honduras, Hoboken, or any other seaport. The only trouble was that he couldn’t seem to do it while awake. In that he resembled some reptiles and Pussyfoot Johnson. Try as hard as he might, he kept anchored to the ground. You must have had often that same queer sensation—of not rising. After all, though, one soon gets used to it. But Gerrish never did. It made him horribly peevish. Why, oh why, if it were so easy while asleep, THE ARMY OF OCCUPATION. Gerrish Goes Up By GELETT BUR couldn’t he rise when awake like any other well-trained elevator? Hours he spent in experimenting—gritting his will, clenching his toes—he just would rise in the air! But Gravity still pulled him downward towards New Zealand. And Gerrish zealously loathed New Zealanders. His friends all told him that it simply wasn’t done. But Gerrish consulted a physician. The doctor looked wise; then pulled out a foun- tain pen the way they do, and b- bled a prescription. It cost Gerrish $4.00 at a drug store, and only made him bilious. Still Gerrish persisted. Perhaps, he thought, while he was awake he was too heavy to float. So he tried it stark naked—never in church, of course, or at the theatre, or anything like that—but in the quiet privacy of his bathroom. But even there nothing happened—as it so often does. Couldn’t he somehow make him- self lighter? Again Gerrish applied to a doctor, who, as doctors will, sent him to an expensive surgeon. All the other kind were dead. And Ger- rish found that, by a series of simple operations, he could be pared down 5 “Goops and How to Be Them,” “Are you a Bromide?” Ete. about twenty pounds. He needed only to dispense with a few useless articles of anatomy. But it cost money. When he left the hospital he was welcomed with a bill like this: 5 lbs. Large Intestines...... $5,060 2lbs. Vermiform Appendix. 1,000 14 1b. Liver and Lights...... 500 8 Assorted Toes... 800 2 Ear: 200 1 Floating Rib.. Fi 100 Sundries (2!5 Ibs.)....... 250 $7,850 Please Remit. By sacrificing a leg or two, he was informed, he might have lost from 25 to 50 pounds more, but Gerrish felt that he could hardly afford it. Besides, he wanted to see first if he hadn't already thrown off enough ballast. When he was strong enough to stand without whiskey, he stripped and brought his will to bear upon the problem. “Going Up!” he muttered —and strained all his brains to the task. But alas!) Though he did feel a little lighter in the head, and he comicbooks.com