Judge — July 30, 1921 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Drawn by Gorvon Grant Origin of the Female of the Species By Soruir E AN has three kinds of ribs: Reprorp sternal, asternal, and floating. To which of these three classifications woman belongs, we do not know. She was at any rate, a spare rib, for while man slept woman stepped from his bosom to her place, by his side, his other side. This inaugurated the first Feminist Movement. She has been on the move ever since. Judging by some specimens of feminin- is safe to assume that woman was not simply a spare rib, but that in the process of evolution she has become more and more spare. Viewed from this angle she becomes angular. Although so much in primitive creation was made spherical, one cannot im- agine Eve, somehow, as being a rotund rib. Missinc. As the ages rolled on, woman, who never lags behind, rolled along also accumulating more and more of the original dust from which man was made, at the same time gaining momentum year by year. This accounts for the solidarity, the volume, the avoirdupois of some females. Usually the comfortable sort of woman. Conversely, coming back to the spare thesis, like the wear of the glacier against the mountains, time has so dealt with other women as to leave them gaunt, pinnacle- like. If a woman is spare, she naturally wants a spare-room. Even a stout woman clings to the spare-room idea. There is a growing hypothesis th: woman was one of man’s floating ribs and i ion involvesus in the qv estion nd false rib. In support of the floating rib theory, it will be remem- bered that woman is usually quite capable of supporting herself cither floating, swim- 18 ming or climbing. In ofder to float they flap their sails, which may be the reason some ribs are called “Flappers.”” Some reformers have asserted that this kind of a rib increases man’s liabilities, but it is plain that if a flapper makes an ass of a man, she becomes an asset. Man’s first dinner was likely a rib-roast. It is easy then to surmise the origin of the Club Breakfast, as a domestic se- quence. Then, despite the “low cost of having” there followed luncheon which in the economy of things must have been a rib- stew. This in turn may account for man’s predilection for vari- ous forms of “stew” and other ribaldry. While man slept, one of his ribs—he has always wished it was the other one—by some alchemy became what has since been termed his better half. This process of subtraction and substitution belongs to a realm in which we have no business meddling. Still conjecture leads us into mathematical calcula- tions which we can _ reconcile only by the process of inverse retiocination, or by a theorem, by which a rib, raised to the nth power, becomes pi-pi—trans- lated pie and you have a meat pie! Man spends half a lifetime trying to recover the rib lost while he slept, then often spends the other half wishing he could get into a sleep deep enough to reverse the transfer. Could he meddle as deeply in this science as he has in some others, he might effect a speedy solution of social and domestic diffi- Substituting “rib” for woman, imagine a rib being a weaker vessel! Fancy a rib, a peach! a chicken, maybe; and this brings you to a wishbone. View these striking excerpts, Wordsworth: “A perfect ‘rib’ nobly planned”! Wordsworth had not seen our bathing beaches. Shelley: “A lovely ‘rib’ garmented in white.” Shelley had not seen the “shimmy.” Lowell: ““Earth’s noblest thing a ‘rib’ perfected!” Lowell said perfected not painted! George “The beauty of a lovely ‘rib’ is like music.” George Eliot had not heard Jazz. St. Paul “Let your ‘ribs’ keep silence in the churches.” Oh, well, St. Paul was 2 bachelor. In the Taruma tradition, we have to think of the first festivities as being a shore dinner. After all, we prefer to think of it as a garden party. A garden with all the fruits of paradise, yes, even the forbidden fruit, for without i: what excuse would man offer for being driven out of paradise?