Judge — July 16, 1921 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Perrtton Maxwett, Editor and Art Director J. A. Watpron, Associate Editor Tue Caste or Honesty HE National Surety Company, publishing certain statistics, pats fat men, profane men, women and Chinamen on the back as the greatest champions of honesty. This fiat establishes a caste system, and affixes an opprobrious suspicion upon meager men and men with milky mouths. There is nothing we can do but swear heartily, invite an influx of Chinamen and shift fiduciary affairs to the women folk. The tallow in the human body promotes integrity. This is the dictum, and snoop- ing along the thrones of history seems to support Surety companies and Cesar’s order: ‘Let me have fat men about me, sleek-headed men and such as sleep 0’ night: The laudable achievement of obesity may now fill the stoutest hearts with pride, just as the nurse and doctor greet the fat baby and deplore the puny one. This factor of weight introduces a new principle of progress. We will at last prac- tically apply those hints in the noble pas- sages of the Scriptures which describe the mountains, clouds, winds and kings as weighed in the balance and found wanting. There is a fine simplicity in thus determin- ing by a pair of scales the intrinsic value of human bodies and brains. Every act of life is now a guess. We consequently make some lamentable errors in judgment, and are often unable to tell a wizard from a weasel, a planet from a plumber, a saint from a shyster. We must now breed a ponderous race. It is quite easy to propagate profanity. We must erect leisure and hilarity into para- mount institutions and practice the feeding systems of succulent cooks. The rules of aring may be learned by any intelligent person, either by listening to short-tem- pered farmers in a drought, or by studying and other holy men who cursed in the bitterness of their hearts. A fat population would remove the per- petual anxiety of creditors. Spicing the wind with the pepper of profanity would refresh our jaded spirits. Should any of our withered skeletons fail to borrow money or get on the payroll they need but to eat more and swear more. Of course, those incurably prejudiced against fat and curses, can still remain women and Chinamen. Our Nectectep AniMAL Kincpom THE languishing Summer is now agape with curiosity. Our perpetual thirst for knowledge is flooded by the gushing tor- rents of facts sweeping through the portals of the news. We who have lived by machinery now see the inexhaustible re- sources of the hitherto neglected animal kingdom. A Chicago traffic policeman has taught his parrot, after much coaching, the secrets of jams and speedings, and the bird regulates the concourse by crying “‘Stop!”” “Slow up!” ‘Go ahead!” It has no argu- ments with chaffeurs, no flirtations, no threats nor profanity—and no salary. In Clearfield, Pa., a party of hunters backed their automobile into the brush- wood to repair a flat tire. An indignant rattlesnake sank its fangs into the tire. In a few minutes the tire had swelled until the puncture was closed. It was a perfect job of repair work. In Uniontown, Pa., Mrs. Cornish was peeling potatoes for supper during a thunderstorm. With a knife in her hand and bending over the pot of potatoes, lightning struck and rendered her uncon- scious. But when she recovered it was discovered that the lightning had formed a current around the pot, cooking the pota- toes. It will occur to all ingenious and enter- prising minds that we stand on the threshold of a new era. A corps of well- trained animals would solve the- servant problem. Hens might be trained to lay their eggs in the frying-pan, beside the bacon. Eagles could patriotically carry the U. S. mail. Sea serpents, instead of posing exclusively for advertising purposes, should act as lifeguards. Kangaroos in dress-suits make superb dancing partners. Antelopes could be our messenger boys. Although we are adroit in passing the buck, we have much to learn in chasing goats. These are simply helpful suggestions. 20 The economist will at once perceive the possibilities and elaborate them into a sys- tem as comprehensive as that of Adam Smith. Instead of supporting a multitude of animals, we should teach them to sup- port us. Co.LecE GirLs AND THE Birtu-RaTE E did not expect college girls to have babies. But they knew better. Several classes have offered prizes to the mother of the first baby after graduation. This is going to be a great race. The thrill of the contest will communicate it- self to others. Youth thus takes its fate in its hand to perpetuate youth, and the pop- ulation is ready to frame metaphors, simi- les, ejaculations and all the declamation of delight, while we watch the mail and the telegraph wire. The portals of Providence, flying open among the books, disclose to our enrap- tured gaze the astonishing fact that cul- ture makes glowing women, not only polished to ornament, but to replenish, a happy land. Some disconsolate seer with the second sight once sat down in a heap of ashes and muttered otherwise. Pro- priety had enjoined strict silence. Prudish- ness avoided it abashed. Evidently the girls found it out for themselves. The young ladies have exhibited the can- dor of the age, and a plain, free honesty worth imitating. Our older generations seem to have nourished a suspicion that motherhood was a transient institution, in- stigated by some mysterious cause and likely to be suppressed before their off- spring reached maturity. Our college girls, with an authoritative voice, an- nounce that they will remove it from the merely speculative and inexplicable phe- nomena by making it a flourishing and per- ment business. This discovery that the birth-rate is a personal affair, and not an attribute of Mal thus and the milk-bottle manufacturers, is final. Our most subtle and powerful intel- lects have been prostrated by the problem of race suicide. Excellent folk thought it presumptuous to meddle. We now find out that the Lord and the mothers will provide. --Boste Mos nesses divorce “Evi “Wh “He ham Ag A Ge cross-€: “No stated pearan jury he mation “We er—” witness With plunge “Td membe anyboc tleman The showed “Sta I can. sas Ci A Pe ofa wit the ex pompo “No the day say to the sta by the ment o The no wh out.—, icbooks.com