Judge — July 9, 1921 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Drawn by Norman ANTHONY *At’s Wuat! Always Something By Exus Parker Butter Author of “Pigs Is Pigs,” “The Great American Pie Co.”, “The Jack-Knife Man,” Etc. Y son, now that your are going to be married, I want to warn you that you will quarrel with your wife. Do not take the first quarrel too seriously. It does not mean anything. Do not worry yourself thin trying to avoid it. If you see it coming get into it, whoop it up and get it over. You cannot avoid it; it is sure to come. Nothing you can do will prevent it. If you don’t start it your dear little tootsy wootsy wife will. There is always something to hang the first quarrel on, and there is always a first quarrel; it is part of love plus marriage. Three things are necessary to all couples starting housekeeping—have the gas turned on, have the water turned on, have the first quarrel. You are truly blessed if the first quarrel is thoroughly and non- sensically unreasonable. Take Jimmy Palmer, for example. Jimmy was married on the first day of February and had a lovely wedding journey, and Alice was the sweetest girl in the world, bar none. She said they would never, never quarrel, and Jimmy said they would never, never quarrel, and on the first of March he brought home his in- come tax blank and Alice perched on the arm of his chair to watch him make it out. It was not a difficult return to make out because Jimmy earned just $5200 perannum. He took his pencil and opened the “work- sheet” and_ kissed Alice three times. “Well, anyway, Drawn by Ant HELYANT sweetheart darling,” he said merrily, “there is one good thing about getting married.” “Jim! One good thing? Do you mean there is only one good thing in having a sweet little wife? Why, James Palmer, I think—” “Oh, there, there, sweetheart darling lovey pet!”’ Jim pleaded, for there were tears in Alice’s eyes. “There are a million trillion perfectly adorable things, and you know I know it. I only meant, honeybunch darling, that there is still another good thing. You see, precious sugarplum dearest, I don’t have to pay as much income tax now that I am married. Last year I had to pay on $5200, and now I need only pay on $3200, because I can deduct $2000 for you. It says ‘If you are married, and living with your wife, you may deduct $2000,’ don’t you see!” “Why can you deduct $2000 for me?”’ asked Alice. “I thought you could only deduct expenses, Jimmy. Am I an ex- pense? Is that what you mean? Why, you said yourself, James Palmer, that you Anna—SueE IS ALWAYS TRYING TO GET ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MEN! Bella—Tuat’s BECAUSE SHE IS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THIRTY. were saving more since we were married—”’ “Of course, dear sweetheart pet,” said Jimmy. “But the government. figures that a wife is an expense—” “And are you going to take me off your salary as an expense?” Alice demanded. “Ts that what you are going to do? Is that what you think of me, James Palmer? I—I marry you, and I—I go to the maket and price just everything, and I—I cook your meals, and I—I sweep and scrub and —and just slave—just slave for you, and the very first chance you get you come home and tell me I am an expense and— and you deduct me! Oh! You go and write it down and tell the government and everybody I’m a_ two-thousand-dollar expense. Oh! And you figure me out in black and white, and write me down, and —and just as if I was old rags and bottles or—or aslave! A slave! And I did think you loved me! I did! I did! Oh, I can’t stand it! I can’t! You just think of money and—and you’d sell me if you thought you could.” “Now, sweetheart honey pet!” begged Jimmy. “Please don’t cry. What have I done? I only wanted to take ad- “I don’t care! I don’t care! It’s just as everybody told me! You just loved me until you got me and now you're sorry and you wish you hadn’t married me, and you figure me up as if I was the butcher’s bill, and you deduct me. The next thing, I suppose,” said Alice, standing straight and trembling with anger, comicbooks.com