Judge — July 2, 1921 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Hearts Are Hearts in 1950 By Vance C. Criss ITIZEN No. 131,397 C (odd number indicat- ing masculine gender) felt a twitching of the heart. “Zounds!” he whispered, fearing lest official sleuths should overhear his fearful oath, “methinks I am in love with Citizen No. 244,588.” (Even number indicating fem- inine gender.) Knowing well the multi- plicity of laws enacted for the well-being of the progeny of the state, he began his court- ship “through channels.” Applying at the Bureau of Physical Fault-Finding, he subjected himself to the anatomical tests. “Your left great toe is stiff,” announced the Chief Inspector. ‘It is scarcely likely your marriage will be permitted. The state has no desire to permit the initiation of a family trait of stiff left great toes. However, I will present your case to the Bureau.” Discouraged but not yet cast down, Citi- zen No. 131,397 went immediately to the Board of Mental Measurements. For a brief interval, all went well. But the Chairman shook his head sadly when informed that a grandfather of the appli- cant once had voted the Democratic ticket. “Too bad, too bad!” he said. “We may be able to approve your application, but I doubt it.” Drawn by Paut. Reny Drawn by Norman Antnoxy “Henry! N YOU FINISH THE DISHES WE MUST CELEBRATE IN SOME WAY. Do you know TuIs 1s INDEPENDENCE Day? But the fire of passion burned strong within the breast of Citizen No. 131,397. Still hoping, he made his way to the De- partment for Detection of Delinquency. There, however, fate apparently was against him. Looking through the records, the Chief Investigator found a letter Citizen No. 131,397 had written to State Newspaper No. 606, protesting against the action of the Board of Censors in wrapping burlap ‘round the legs of Venus de Milo. “Your record,” he declared, “is such that we hardly can grant you a permit to wed. The chance is very slight.” But even then our hero plunged ahead undaunted. Conferring with Citizen No. 244,588, he “Keep Your Eye on tHe Batt.” found that she, too, had been afflicted with an itching heart, and felt that only in his love would there be found a balm to cure her woes. “Perhaps,” he said, “our applications will beapproved.” So Citizen No. 244,588 called upon the Matron of Marriageable Maids. At once she proved her ability to make a Welsh rare- bit, and showed conclusively that she could crochet a doily. But there was a drop of water in the carburetor of her joy. She was detected in a prefer- ence for “The Booze-hound Blues” over the “Sextet” from “Lucia.” “It is very, very doubtful,” murmured the sympathetic matron. But love—despite the state—still had survived. Citizen No. 131,397 and Citizen No. 244,588 went together to the Secretary for Analysis of Affection. Quietly, efficiently, as was the custom of the Secretary, they were subjected to the tests. But his findings burst the bubble of their hopes. “You are not mated,” he announced. “Your reactions show you unsuited tem- peramientally for the mutual relationship you wish.” Weeping bitter tears—for never can there be a state with power enough to dry the salt springs of a woman’s heart—Citizen No. 244,588 was led home by her lover. “Have courage,” he whispered as he left, “until tonight.” And that night, as she lay on a restless pillow, she heard a tap- ping at the window. Hoping— yet fearing—she arose. Looking out into the brilliant moon- light, she espied the man she loved. Throwing a kimono about her shoulders, she dashed down the stairs and out into the arms of her waiting hero. “Quick,” he cried, and led her to his ether scooter. Placing her at his side, he opened the throttle and they’sped away among the stars. And on the following morning they were married by a justice of the peace in Mars, that being the first elopement to that planet since communication between Mars and the Earth had been es- tablished. That is how Mars became the Gretna Green of love- sick Eartheans. Wuen Disarmament A sinner thinks himself sophis- ticated until he has fallen into the clutches of a good woman. comicbooks.com eae ee