Judge — June 11, 1921 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Drown by GB. Iswoon THE AIRS OF MER, AN’ SHE THAT HisseLr! Distant Relativity By Armano K LLET me once for all voice an emphatic ~ disapproval of Mr. Einstein's esoteric doctrines. My experience with relativity, true, extends over only one week-end, but to Fipamme this has been sufficient to induce m consign the whole pernicious theory to innocuous oblivion. Five exponents of relativity my mother-in-law, two sis: ters-in-law, and a nephew-and niece - in - law —lawlessly in vaded my domicile last Friday night and bent all their efforts to convert me to their insidious beliefs. According to Herr Einstein, matter ands are inseparable; and it was quite evident that mater-in law had made up her mind to occupy all the space in the house and to encourage her offspring to do likewise The little Einsteinians, ap- preciating that they were sup posed to be playing a revolu tionary réle, laid rough hands on all the venerable volumes in my library and accorded similar treatment to any article of furniture which in curred their scientific displeas. ure, When the “little dar lings” had finished their cam paign, the mortality included a pair of imported field glasses (which, of course, indicated their contempt for Galileo) our parlor clock (relativity, you know, annihilates time) SHIFTLESS AN AN’ HAD TO GO LAZY HER HL more than once I felt inclined to drop an apple or three on their heads and do a little reactionary proselytizing myself Their mothers and grandma were equally their disregard of time. ating the tatters to all insouciant in They sat up masti uncanny hours of the night and then, in that adorable I'm-not-at-all-sleepy-are-you fashion, they would read in bed a few hours more. When I received my electric ; Drawn by C. W. Kamurs and the phonograph (few rec i ords remaining intact); all of “T TOLD you To PUT A CUSHON UNDER THE F : I pip PUT A CUSHION UNDER HIM which served to upset my own “WELL, He's CRYING WORSE THAN EVER. gravity considerably. Indeed, “A pincusiion!” TO WORK FOR BABY'S HEAD TO STOP HIM CRYING.” WHAT KIND OF A CUSHION DID YoU bill this morning, [ was con fronted with a most convince ing piece of evidence as to the velocity of light. The three aforesaid females, aided and abetted by my hy meneal colleague, felt it in cumbent upon themselves to lay down maxims for my bet ter marital guidance in every sphere of domestic endeavor. If it be true that an English man’s residence is his castle, I was led by them to surmis that I must be woefully defi cient in Anglo-Saxon blood. In short, the entire delegation made itself so omniscient and ubiquitous that I almost was forced to conclude with Ein stein, “ Everything is relative relative, relative.” myself with the thought that motion was also relative, and prayed for the moment when this proposition was to be dem. I consoled onstrated. Let it never be said that I ever refused asylum to progressive thought or advanced ideas, but the line must. be drawn somewhere, and, while Lam willing to extend my hospitality to anything that looks promising, I really must decline to open a relativity boar ing-house. Smarty! Onions speak louder than words. Yes, and thyme will tell Post Parker PUT UNDER HIM?’