Judge — August 21, 1920 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

— ta Drawn by Sons Hxo, Jn. Tue Lixe or Least Resistance Wanted: A New Fraternity By Harry Irvine Suumway HERE is no use talking, the profiteers ought to have something to bind them together socially. They are not at all clubby. While the rest of us have our lodges and meetings and dues and everything the profiteers have to go it alone. You find them sitting off by themselves in their solid gold corners, biting their platinum finger-nails in lonesomeness. You can sce the emerald envy in their eyes as they see us trudging off to our lodge meet- ings, a clean collar around our necks and the password in our hands. It isn’t fair. They ought to have a lodge. Let’s give 'em one. These little suggestions may be amended, but for a starter they will do. Stand back, men, while the candidates step up to be initiated. The Keepers of the Portals All candidates must pass through the portals to enter the lodge room. The keepers shall guard the gate and tap each candidate on the head seven times as he enters, seven being the mystic number. The keepers might be Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb, cach selecting the club best suited to his particular style of tapping. Initiation The profiteer then, as his first degree, takes the sacred bumps. The bumps are unupholstered sugar barrels with the nails pointed outwards instead of inwards, that is, outwards towards the candidate's inwards. Now, the candidate being properly robed in a suit of B. V. D.’s is taken by the hand and bumped over seven of these barrels, then brought back and parked with his face towards the sub-basement upon the mid- dle or fourth barrel, the one with the extra nails in it. The patrol then chants seven times in unison: “What’ll you put in cae Old Man’s soup’ “Rats and snails and a puppy dog’s tail.” “Well, how much will you charge for it?” “Enough to make a kasrel of kale. “How much is thai, oh, noble si Upon the barrel ia torture bent?” So help me, corporals of the guard, Tis but a measly 700 per cent.” Next the candidate is escorted around the hall upon the cinder path. The cinders are the large, ripe, early growing varicty which come from near coal. Two escorts take either hand of the candidate and run him around the path seven times seven, h is another mystic number, forty-nine. Of course the candidate is carefully barefooted. After this the candidate is led before the Exalted Pirate who sits on a throne. Here he is put through a course of questions which he must answer with an average of at least 99 per cent. If he falls below this mark he must go another forty-nine times around the cinder path when he can take another whack at the questions. And so on until he passes on or out. The Questions 1. Do you believe implicitly in money? 2. How much should the public cash customer have left after a transaction with a brother of this lodge, if any? 3. Are you prepared to swear upon your honor, if you have , that the Golden Rule is made of brass? 4. What isa price? What is it good for? 5. If prices should start to tumble, do you solemniy swear that you will do your utmost to keep them up? (Irrelevant, but candidate must answer it.) 6. Where should the public get off—if it ever gets on again? So much for the initiation. Of course the members should have some by-laws. By-laws are little pieces of red tape moved and seconded on a rainy night when most of the members y, to hamstring them forever afterwards. All Passwords On even months the password which will admit a B_ brother to the lodge room is “Dick Turpin.” On the P= odd months the word is “Captain Kidd.” A brother icomicbooksseom ae