Judge — July 10, 1920 — page 27: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

July 10, 1920 Snoppy-quops No. 2 ‘Tue Sap Lor or Kenxprick Tircoms By Wits € Miustration by F S. Murray [ THINK there’s not A harder lot Or sadder fate than Kendrick’s. He seems to be All Vermiform Appendix. ju can see He never treats Himself to cats That might disturb his torso; He has to die Or give up pie Which is as sad, or more so. The Upper Berth Ry He M. Surmertaxn T ME upper berth is a narrow, inevitable tor ture stunted in infancy and nurtured by a long black avaricious animal called the Pullman porter. It is stuck fast to the roof of the sleeper in some mysterious manner and only steeple jack or a second-story man can get to it without losing his pajamas, temper, and four square inches of skin from his tenderest parts. During this process he is assisted by the white-coated pirate who carries the ladder away and hides it «1 shoulders as soon as the victim gets his he inside and works the rest of himseli in by painful degrees later. The upper berth is wily and sagacious and will stand perfectly still until you reach for your back collar button, and then it starts a series of bucks and plunges that would make a wild western broncho look as if it were frozen to the center of gravity. After an hour’s strenuous exertion, in which you go through all of the con- tortions of an oriental dancer in jealous terics, you finally give it up as a bad job and keep ’em on. With your feet placed firmly against one end and your aching brow the other you try to hold it down, grabbing frantically at the blankets to keep from changing to the op- posite lower, already occupied, only to be slammed against the far wall so hard that AND AT A DINNER, TO H.R.H. THE PRINCE of WALES FACT: Of the many elaborate functions arranged for the Prince of Wales during his recent New York visit, there was one in particular where only the exclusive few of New York society were received. And for this affair the cigarette chosen by the hosts was Fatima. LIGGETT & MYERS TOBACCO CO. FATIMA Ai Sensible Cigarette you can feel the united order of grave-dig- gers patting you in the face three days there after. Finally the train sweeps on a smooth piece of grade and you close your eyes in time to have them neatly shaved by your toe nails when the engineer takes a notion to see how quick he can stop. If you decide to change your mind about your destination or religion you will have to call the porter, because there isn’t room inside to do it; but the porter never comes, and when you make your escape the next morning it takes two hours, a search warrant, and the guiding spirit of the Lord to find your scarf pin, straw hat 27 and hose-supporters, which the upper berth has so gleefully swallowed, Sweet Memories Visitor—I suppose this place is rich in old legend, eh? Native—Yes, indeed, sir; ‘tis said that here my great-gran'’pa bought three dozen eggs once fur fifteen cents. Afraid of Ghosts “Perkins is a spiritualist.” “You don’t say! Doesn't he know he can’t brew the stuff at home and get by with it?”