Judge — April 17, 1920 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

exer 041 9 rea I. Ganor { the Foreign Legion, and Sing Foo, of the American Legion, talk over their war experier It is now the year 1930, and after untold privations I have just reached the United States. My first word to my cousin Orley Morris, after we had shaken hands, were: “Orley, where can | get a cup of coffee?” “Coffee? coffee?” he said. ‘Oh! that’s the stuff the profligate classes used to nk. You can’t coffee. There hasn’t been any coffee in the United States for eight get You'd better not let any one hear you asking for tea- not if you want to have any reputa- tion left. ‘T is poison. ‘Tea has tannin in it. There hasn't been any tea in the United States for eight years.” “How, grape juice, then?” “Grape juice!” he cried. “My what are you—a drunk- Grape juice! Why that’s the stuff Bryan—that tough old t Bryan, and all those old rowdy boys Ne. Grape juice is pre hibited — has been since 1921. There’s one thousandth of one per cent. of alcohol in grape juice. A man has to drink only eight hundred and sixty-four gallons at one sitting to get drunk—almost drunk—on grape juice.” good swig of I asked him. about a Orawn by Pact Rete “Well, may | have a crust of bread?” I asked “Bread? Why, bread has a real, genuine trace alcohol—” “Mush, ther “Now, stop!” he said. you want to talk about any of those vile, poisonous compounds please lower your | have a character to maintain in this town, If folks hear you shouting at me about bread and mush and grape juice they'll think “Well, listen, Orley, listen!” IT beg: “I'm hungry and thirsty, Can I have a glass of milk—pure, sweet milk fresh from your old red cow?” “Drat it all!” Orley exclaimed; you have done it! at fellow over there heard you, and he’s a plain-clothes man Now the chances are we'll all be pinched. Milk! The idea of talking about milk out loud in the United States! I can’t imagine what that country of Patagonia, where you have been, can be like when men can come back from it and yell all over the place about milk. Why, thunderation’ you might just as well shout ‘cheese’ or ‘welshrabbit. | Pm ruined, that’s all!” “But mi "| said weakly “Germs!” said Orley rerms in it. Millions of them. We just had to prohibit milk; it was too gerous to let the public go swigging milk a all germed up and Why, Ellis, didn’t you ever feel better and fresher after you had swallowed a ylass of That shows you! Artificial stimulation caused by the action of the milk on the d ive system. And an hour or two later you did not feel so fresh, did you? The reaction! 1 tell you, Ellis, the country has been a lot better off since we killed all the cows.” “Killed all the cows!” I exclaimed. “Of course, killed them. Why, the cow 1s a worm, nothing but a worm.” “A—a worm? The cow is a worm?” I gasped. “A still. A worm and a still \ milk-producing distillery, that’s all a cow is.” said Orley. “It eats the grass, and the grass is distilled into milk, and the voice *now ee .. | EXTINCT In THE Sweet Byr-anp-Bye comicbooks.com