Judge — March 20, 1920 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

~ Amu: use’ men ie THEATRE | Weet 42d. Suet COHAN & HARRIS rea 10 Sita Weal'e Sut 2 COHAN & HARRIS THE ACQUITTAL A New Play HAPPY DAYS =t8ky WAYS, HIPPODROME EVERY DAY tHe Seats § weeks ahead ent HAPPY PRICES. THEATRE. 42nd St., west of Broadway Evenings 8:30, Mats. Wed. & Sat. at 2:30 ELTINGE jrining so. ate FLORENCE MOORE in “Breakfast in Bed"’ The Sign on the Door KNICKERBOCKER ay He nnd uP "5 ad APE ¢ TEN ne Ww. SAVAGE eaters SHAN! NGS Street. W Never Needed The only surviving Old Fashioned Farmer surveyed the shiny automobile with scorn. “What's that?” he asked, indicating the spare tire, “Oh, that’s just an extra in case anything goes wrong with one of the running tires,” he was told. “Huh!” the O. F. F. snorted disdainfully; “I been drivin’ hosses fifty year, but I nev had to take along a extra leg for one of ’em. Spearman yaa A Bad Turn “Dubb played me a rotten trick.” “He did? I’m surprised. He always has a good word for everyone and every thing. “Just the trouble. Had him to dinner at my h boarding house, and he praised the meal so extravagantly that the landlady thought it was all true and raised the rates two dollars a week.” Post Card Probloid No. 9 Conducted by Geert Burcess RULES t Le wntten in ink or typewnt- t Cards the long way of the ersonally 1. All answers Card 2. Cards must be addressed to Gelett Burgess care of JUDGE, 225 Fifth Avenue 3. Every answer must be Name and Address of the C 4. Any Competitor may send as many Answers as desired, provided each is written upon a separate Post 3. Cards to be considered in the Contest must be rece’ at the Office of JUDGE not later than Ten Days after the date of the Issue in which Announcement of the Probloidis made 6. The Answer which, in the opinion of Burgess, is the Best, will receive a Pi Five Dollars. 7. Every other Answer published in JUDGE will receive a Payment of One Dollar. 8. Answers will be published nd Prizes awarded in the fourth issue of JUDGE after that con- taining the Announcement of the Probloid. L my dear readers, is not all pineapple jelly with whipped cream on top. No, more often it is custard pie so covered with flies that one mistakes it for huckleberry And when a thing like that is thrown in your face, when you're right up against it, so to speak, it is hard, very hard to be calm, and to do the right thing. Especially when there’s no camera watching you But I don’t intend to inflict that on you—yet. Presence of mind, as I was just saying, when so rudely interrupted, is a rare gift; but it is essential when you can’t get absence of body. For instance, if you go down into the kitche just before signing your new lease, to remon- strate with your cook for having her company stay so late—and find that she is entertaining your landlord . life is hard, and the longer you boil it, the harder it is! Well, ab alio expectes alteri quod feceris. This may be all Greek to you; but it means anything like Drawn by Banxey Got: stirs, Carnegie Institute of Technology Since the recent dry spell Cy Straw’s neighbors are a little suspicious of the new cellar he put under his new dwellin’, Send Your Name aad We'll | Bane You a ee Yeading mawcians and by J4are, La chords at Fully Wustrated old or young All musie tree. ‘Diploma gran a. today for O4- page f How to Learn Piano or Ore: Quinn Conservatery. Studi» J+ Social Union Bidg, Basten, Mase ‘ that if you will write the short, instead of the long way of the post card, the way Al Tumer | does, you won't get a prize. (No dollar for you, Al, either; this isn’t a mention, it’s a a roast.) f I'm going to ask you how you'd get down- € stairs if ev tep were covered with fly-paper s and the rail daubed with molasses—or anything u so mean ast I'm not even going to ask you s to write a stanza of poety about the Ghost of a s Flea without using the letter “s.” But Iam L going to ask you—what was it, now?—oh, y we e If you were attacked by cannibals, and had to 0 defend yourself with a revolver that shot pink balloons No, I’m wrong, that isn’t it, u either. b But what would you do (in twenty words) o if you found yourself locked in a room on the I seventeenth story of the Flatiron Building, with a rattlesnake and a-maniac and a mad dog? THAT, my friends, is the Probloid. The Prise-Winning Replies to Probloid Ni B o Will be Announced in an carly issue of 1 Judge. u u | Ingredients } By Berton Bratey de ‘AKE a bucket of gloom and a barrel of woe a And stir in a dipper of brine, I Then mix these with hail and with sleet and with i snow T And with this concoction combine. m A varied assortment of murders and crimes With plenty of horror and blood, m ‘Then season with vodka at opportune times fr And mix in some mujiks and mud; h Add suicides, oh half a dozen at least, ) With dashes of madhouse and jail And do not forget when preparing this feast To pour in despair by the pail; | Some ghosts can be used if they’re gruesome enough And then, every possible chance, | Add tea and more tea to this gay lot of stuff And you get a Slavonic romance. comicbooks.com