Judge — February 28, 1920 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

She Wanted Progress--"No, sah Ah doan’t neber ride on dem things.” said an old colored lady, looking in on the merry-go-round. “ Why, de other day I seen dat Rastus Johnson git on as much as a dollah’s worth an n’ ride at the very same place he got on at, an’ I sez to him, *Rastus,’ I sez, ‘yo’ spent yo’ money, but whar yo’ been?” "—Be ton Transcript. The Byplay Minstrels—Mr. Bones Mister Interlocutor, can you tell me the difference between an inveterate gum chewer and an inefficient mechanic? Mr. Interlocutor—1 am sure L do not know, Mr. Bones. What is the differ- ence? Mr. Bi the other gums the works. Mr. Busta Li will now render that pathetic ballad: * Don’t Feed The Child ren Oatmeal Or They'll Giv The Horse Laugh.” '—Cincinnati E One works the gum, and Too Lazy to Wish—Two Ne were enjoying a respite, during the hour, from their hot task of careyving freight on a hot day. Good Lawd, man,”’ sighed one, “I sho wish I wuz up in the cool mountain where der wuz a lake of watah, and I had lots of money and nuffin’ to do ‘cept ea ice cream, fish and swim aroun’ an’ keep yoon cool all de time.” “An’ ef you owned dat place would you all invite me to come up and laze roun’ wif you?” the other asked. “'Cain’t say as how TI would.” Proof of the Pudding But cf you jess had a cool lake couldn't [all come up and swim in it?” “Tain’t sayin’ I would.” “ But sposin’ you all jes’ had a lot of ice cream, wouldn't you give me a bite? “Say, look heah, man,” came the sharp retort. “If you all is too darn lazy yer own wishin’ foah all dem things, and dem coolin’ stimulants, jes’ set heah an’ wilt.”"—Columbus Dispatch Worthy of Promotion—"Why « vou address that gentleman as ‘major.” Sam? Has he ever been in the army?” “Not dat I knows of, boss. But he never come in heah dat he « ve dis old nigger a quarter. Praise ce w'd! se gwine to make him a ‘gin-ral’ hefo" I dic Birmingham Age-Herald ke Expert Retouching Forste Kelner—Han b paany, heer arkker ham! Il do it seven “Why “ Because he pay Klods Hans (C penhagen). Established System—“Do you be lieve that anything can be cured by the laying on of hands?” asked the New Thought Woman. “TL sure do,” replicd the Old-Fashioned Woman. “I cured my boys of their bad habits by the spanking method.”—Cin cinnati F uirer. New Kind of Cows—One of the tions on the examination paper given out the country school was to name threv different breeds of cattle to be found on farms in the surrounding section. A little girl in the third grade, after evidently givingthe subject some thought wrote as follows “There is only two breeds of cattle our farm, They are Minorkeys ane Hetiers."—Farm L. Filial Admiration—* You have acter in a decidedly ungentlemanly — way Augustus.” Thus spoke the father of Auguste when he found his son had stolen jam from the larder. It may not seem a very great crime to. you, Augustus,” continued his parent “but little things lead to big things The child is father to the man, my boy and the little petty theft of today may be the great crime of tomorrow, — Besides Augustus, you were disobedient. You were forbidden to take jam, and you took it. Disobedience, Augustus, is the root of all evil. Remember that, my boy, and you will rise in the world to cast off the blur of commonplace duplicity.” As his father paused for breath Augus. tus turned a beaming face to his mother. “Oh, mat” he exclaimed, “isn’t pa interestir Chicago News Then Mam Knew—“ Mamma, I lost my gum,” cried litle Harold. “Hush, darling,” she cut him off, then smiled apologetically at her guests. “Mamma, | lost—,” this time the mother smiling vacantly over her portion of the chop sucy lunch, effectively stopped Harold with a sharp pinch of his leg under the table. When the guests had gone Harold pouted the explanation: “All I wanted to tell you, mamma, was that I'd lost my gum in your chop suey, but you wouldn't let me finish.”"—Detroit Satur- day Night. comicbooks.com