Judge, 1919-08-30 · page 12 of 36
Judge — August 30, 1919 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Explanation for Modern Readers This Judge magazine page contains three separate satirical pieces: 1. **"Its Malevolence"** (top): A rural dialect story mocking Prohibition-era "bone-dry" (illegal) liquor. The joke: bootleg alcohol causes violence—a man threatens another over a debt, sparking a massive brawl at a dance that destroys the venue. The satire criticizes both the poor quality of illegal alcohol and suggests Prohibition itself creates disorder. 2. **"No Time to Lose"** (middle): A customer urgently buys the poem "Woodman, Spare That Tree" to mail to the "ex-Kaiser" (Germany's Wilhelm II, defeated in WWI). The satire: the poem's plea to preserve trees is being sent to someone perceived as ruthlessly destructive, implying the ex-Kaiser would destroy forests. It's post-WWI mockery of German militarism. 3. **"By Way of Reward"** (bottom): A wife complains she can't keep cooks; her husband suggests offering incentives like he does for employees (a gold stripe after five years). The joke satirizes gender dynamics—wives lack management skills with domestic help compared to husbands' business practices.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Its Malevolence By ‘Tom P. Morcax “THIS yur bone-dry licker that’s in. sly circulation now'-days is awful stuff!” de- clared a prominent resident of the Sandy Mush, Ark., region. “Over at the dance at Zach Flatt's tuther night, a feller by the name of Snorkey winked another feller by the name of Boghorn off to one side, and whispered him didn't. he want a dram? And then, when he'd got him sorter out of the rush, instead of giving him a drink, he took him by the throat, and wanted to know whur in torment them three dollars, that he'd been owing him ever the Lord knowed when, "Peared like this yur Boghorn feller didn’t know, or couldn't take a joke, or something. "Tennyrate, next minute they were fighting tollable nigh all over the place. ‘Most everybody present took sides and got impaled in the fracus. and for a spell it was about as lively a social function as I ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Three or four gents got throwed through windows. The ladies pulled right smart of hair. The fiddler stepped on his own fiddle. The dogs got tromped on, and returned the favor by biting folks, and it was hooraw, boys, hooraw, and the devil take the hindmost! And mebby it would have heen going on to Drawn by Nowwax Astuoxy Orxicinator or THE F, Course Lookinc since was at Drawn by W. O. Wirson + A. C. till morning if a thunder storm hadn’t come up and the house been struck by lightning, knock- ing off considerable of one end. That nacher'ly quieted matters down, and ended the fuss. Eh- yah—this yur bone-dry licker is plumb demon; it docs as much damage when you hain’t got it as when you have.” No Time to Lose “Have you a copy of ‘Wood man, Spare That) Tr the stirring poem that appeared in all the second readers some fifty years ago?” asked the anxious- looking stranger. “T have, sir,” was the prompt reply of Emerson Cooper, the enterprising book dealer “Then let me have it quick ly.” cried the stranger, “and please do it up very securely, for mailing. I want to speed it off by special delivery, so that betore all the trees in Holland have been leveled, it will get into the ruthless hands of the ex-Kaiser.” mous Memory TRAINING ror His Giasses By Way of Reward “L can’t keep a cook any length of time “You don’t use judgment with your help,” maintained her husband. “You offer no great incentive to remain. Now when a man has been with me five years, I let him wear a gold stripe on his sleeve.”