Judge, 1919-08-23 · page 12 of 36
Judge — August 23, 1919 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Explanation for Modern Readers This is a humorous advice column from *Judge* magazine satirizing post-WWI etiquette for soldiers returning to civilian dining. The headline cartoon (drawn by Calvert Smith) shows a woman controlling a man at a dining table with strings—"The Money-Mill and the Motor"—suggesting women manipulate wealthy men through dining situations. The column itself mocks elaborate dining accessories invented to help awkward diners hide social mishaps: fake fur-trimmed goggles to prevent seeing unappetizing food, asparagus mittens to avoid butter burns, a mechanical "grin maker" device that forces smiles during boring conversation, and a trap door to secretly discard unwanted food. The satire targets both newly wealthy soldiers unfamiliar with refined dining customs and the absurdity of upper-class etiquette itself. It suggests that proper dining isn't about genuine courtesy but theatrical deception—you needn't actually listen to your hostess; just fake attention with a mechanical device. The humor mocks the gap between pretended sophistication and reality.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Drawn by Catvent Surrn Tue Money-Mitt anp tue Motor What the Well Dressed Table Will Wear By Brac E Dernier Mot in eating accessories for the returned soldier who wants to forget the horror of the mess kit, army slum, gold fish, canned Willie and hot mud: Grape Frurr Gocctes (at Covington’s)—trimmed with Seventh Avenue mink (a composition of blotting paper and absorbent cotton). Very useful in preventing blindness after you have eaten the center of the fruit and start an attack on the sides. Asparacus Mittens (at Gentemeri’s)—to prevent the hot butter from running up to the elbow. Gravy Suietp (Jabercrombie & Sitch)—to protect the shirtfront. For some people this must be transparent to allow the diamond studs to show. Pit Pocket (Soft Tread Tire Co.)—of rubber—a retreat for orange seeds, peach stones, etc. Warning—don’t yet this con- fused with your change pocket and try to tip the hat boy with a prune pit. That’s all his ser- vices are worth but he has been encouraged to think differently. Spor Patcues (McMutch- cons). How many times have you spilled a drop of wine (or since July 1, grape juice) on your hostess’s favorite table cloth? When this happens, don't be a blushing ass and apologize; simply point with a sudden mo- tion to a picture across the room and exclaim excitedly something like this: “My God! That looks like a woman I used to love!” at the same time dexterously Hasu Drawn by 3. K. Burvas some pills for it.” for nothing.” “ You seem to have a slight cold, my dear. “Oh, don't bother about the pills, doctor; you may have it producing the proper size patch from your pocket and slapping it over the spot. This takes practice but it’s worth it. Grin Maker (at Biffany’s). is a small, made to order, appliance guaranteed to increase your popularity and secure for you invitations to more dinners than you can eat. It will cut your eating costs to nothing. It is made in gold, platinum and silver, and fits inside the mouth. When the homely dow- ager on your right begins one of her endless anecdotes, press the button concealed beneath your left cheek, look at her \couple of times, say “Humph!” and “Ah!” and “Ugh, ugh and—go on with your own thoughts. The Grin Maker will expand your lips into the most beatific expression of enjoy- ment. When she’s through, say “Ha! ha!” and, after a proper interval, press the button in your right check and resume your normal sour expression. Be careful not to press the “grin” button when she tells you about the time little Oswald had the influenza. Inpivipvat Trap Door. This is the ultimate in hospitality. Every table should have one for each guest. It is for surrepti- tiously getting rid of undesirable portions on your plate. The well-bred hostess will not peck afterward, but will have pipe connections running into” the river so she will never know whether you spurned her prune and yeast cocktail or not. De-pepper (Hiker & Rege- man). A lifesaver when your hostess has a penchant tor serv- ing peppery soup. It is a small, chemically treated silk sponge which fits the waistcoat pocket and has an elastic fastening. I'll give you 12 comicbooks.com