Judge — July 5, 1919 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

one of them that long to go from Apex, N. J. to a certain railroad terminal which lacks everything but advertising. But this has nothing to do with rapid transit on Venus, as the astronomers tell us. However that may be, the sole time you can’t get a rise out of a commuter is on Sun- day morning, but on Monday evening, say, he is so energetic that after dinner, when there are such light chores to be done as bathing the dishes, for instance, he will take off his coat and pitch in—to bed, without a murmur. ; Yes, the commuter, next to Yellowstone Park, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, the Subway Shuttle, and the H. C. of L., is one of our most noted institutions, for, as a dweller in trains, his sentence has been com- muted to life imprisonment. Drawn by Banxspate Rocens Jones—I'm looking for ‘Thompson! I want to pay her ten dollars that | owe her! Brown—I'll help you find her! I want to borrow the ten dollars from her as soon as you pay her! The Commuter By Hasuutos Craicre HE disease of being a commuter is catching—or trying to catch—the 7:34, for instance, which leaves anywhere between sunrise and breakfast. When a bad commuter dies and goes to help out the army of shades which have preceded him, his punish- ment is contagious, so to speak: he is set to catching trains which do not run until he misses them. Your dyed-in-the-wool commuter treasures his com- mutation-ticket, which is his badge of servitude. If he should by an ill chance lose this he is lost indeed, but if he does not get his train on time he gets nearly anything else that way—in instalments—so much down and keep on going in the same direction. ut there are compensations in the life of a com- muter besides the weekly stipend which he takes home with him on Saturday. He learns the mysteries of furnace-tending, he becomes a vegetable-fancier, and his condition is always improved by his morning dash for the train which he hears in the distance as he de- capitates his matutinal egg. He has it down to a science—long practice has corrected in him any short- ness of breath such as afflicts the porcine city dweller who laps himself in the luxury of the subway and a fat woman weighing three hundred pounds, for instance. For who ever heard of a corpulent commuter! ‘There is none such—and never will be—a fat man would be out of place on the 7:34, for example, because—his chance would be indeed slim of ever making it. And trains are made up somewhere, just like story books, but there is no niche in either for heroes who are obese, corpulent, or otherwise the opposite of slender. A commuter, let it be said, moves by instinct—he has no time to reason or plan—in his case, indeed, haste does not make waist—he does not run to embon- point. It is estimated by certain mathematical sharps that if all the,commuters who have ever followed their trade were placed end to end they would girdle the earth like Puck, in forty minutes, or thereabouts, but it takes Undoing Him The Martians landed on the earth in the year of one hundred thousand and six. They began to unwrap the curious thing they had found. After a year’s hard work they had taken off twenty thousand bandalettes, and unswaddled the thing of seventy thousand thongs, wrappers, cords and chains, each one close-lettered with verbotens. They took out the tiny thing which opened its eyes weakly and asked for a stimulant. It was Man. Well, Well! “What’s his claim to distinction?” “A great one. He created the réle of Hamlet——” “Huh?” “Tn the films.” CFE. Drawn by R. B. Peuurn Encine TrousBte anp A Rep Macuine comicbooks.com