Judge — April 12, 1919 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Draws by W. K. Stasaerr “ For goodness’ sake, Wilbur, what are you doing?” “My dear, my employees are givi g me a gold-headed cane for my birthday fe and I'm rehearsing a look of intense delight.” Possibilities “By Benjamin ve Casseres F William McAdoo, King of the Movies, should abdicate and consent to be the next President of the United States, there are interesting possibilities in store for us. “Movie” teas at the White House Tuesdays and Fri- days, with a double feature bill in the East Room Saturdays. Douglas Fairbanks will stand perched with one foot on the Washington Monument on visitors’ day. “Charlie” Chaplin will walk down Pennsylvania Avenue in his own inimitable way, leading the inaugural parade. “Bill” Hart will stand with drawn gun at the iron gates in front of the White House prepared to shoot all militant Suffs on sight. With a piano-player ruling Poland, this is not as unusual as it seems. A Satisfactory Substitute “T am sorry, sir,” apologized the druggist, “but at the moment I haven't in stock old Dr. Blackjack’s Bile Buster.” “Well, haven't you something equally as injurious?” Her Extravagance “Beats thunder how extravagant women is!” grimly said Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “There's my wife, frinstance: Once or twice a year she sets up a clamor that she’s got to have a new dress. I don’t buy it for her, though, till she’s chattered about it for six months or such a matter. If I did, as soon as she got it she'd begin to hoor >w about needing something else.” Do It Now! By Haray Invinc Suumway REETINGS, To Whom It May Concern: G We respectfully petition that a certain motto or proverb, be stricken from our land in book, sign and spoken word, said motto being, “Heaven Helps Those Who Help Themselves.” Therefore, Be it resolved, that whosoever has the power to put the bee on this proverb and forever esponge it from the records of eye and ear, does hereby put said bee on said pro- verb, and does esponge it from said records of said eye and said ear, until the end of the world. (Signed) Peanut Venders’ Association. Cash Drawer Associates. Grand Union of Candy Counter Men. Associated Free Lunch Owners. Rose Growers of America. Never-Kiss Girl Clubs of Chicago. Doughnut Cooking Mothers of America, Grand Council. Merged Fathers Whose Clothes Fit Son. The Singing Heart By Kate B. Burtox Het: What is that noise? It is a key grating in the lock Heavy Hibernian footsteps cross the kitchen and clump up the back stairs. Oh, joy! It is the cook returning from her afternoon out. How many a time and oft in the last year has one of her predecessors gone out never to return. Munition plants wooed her, or mayhap my best friend enticed her away with fair promises of less work and higher wages. But to-night I may sleep in peace. In the morning there will be breakfast on the table, and I need not rise at dawn to labor in the domestic vineyard awkwardly and with bitterness of heart. Out with the lights, to bed—and God bless this cook! Amicably Arranged “Did you hear that Mrs. Jones is getting a divorce?” “Who gets the dog?” “Well, she gets it, but he can sce it once a month.” About Time If no one has as yet called it the Peace that passeth all understanding, it’s high time someone did. Drawn by Nowmas Axtuont One Way to Stop Ticket SpecuLatinc