Judge — April 5, 1919 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

— “Water, Water Everywhere!" MATRIMONY Might Be Well—“ Marriage is a con- tract “Yep, and it seems to me it would be a good idea for the parson to hand ’em a statement of what they promise.’’— Kansas City Journal. Her Greatest Pleasure—A West End husband was reproving his wife for not coming home earlier from the club. “Mrs. Umson has been home half an he said,“ I saw her pass the “Yes, but you wouldn’t want me to miss all the fun, would you?” “What fun?” “Why, the greatest pleasure I get out of the meetings, is staying with the host- ess to talk about the other members after they have gone.”—Voungstown Tele- gram. No Bolshevist—They had been mar- tied three months and were having their first quarrel—which shows that they were a remarkable couple. “Evidently,” she said icily, “you re- gret that you have married me. The step is not irrevocable, howe: If you care to be released from your bonds—"" “Naw,” he interrupted, impatiently. “I'm no ninety-day recruit. I enlisted for the term of the war.” She couldn’t think of any retort, so she maintained a scornful silence.—Cleve land Plain Dealer. SUES Sh MOVIE SH Somewhat Interested—“I like your work very much,” said the movie pro- ducer. “How would you like to sign a contract for life?” “ Are you proposing?” asked the beau- tiful star.—Kaensas City Journal. Demoted—“ Quite a come-down.” “What is?” “T see where a motion picture actor who was always the general in military photoplays is in the army as a buck pri- vate."’—Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. Fastidious—Movie Actor—I won't play opposite her any more. Director—Why not? Movie Actor—I don’t like the taste of the brand of liprouge she uses.— Film Fun. The Proletariat Philosopher , anders worden we 2eel, opdat wij rocte “Vet krijgen wij weini te sterk. Jam krijgen wij jongens blijoen.” “We don’t get much fat lest we should be- come too strong. We get lots of jam to keep our tempers sweet.”—Notenkraker (Amter- dam). Rudyard's ‘*Recommend"’—There are authors who cannot compose on the typewriter, but apparently Kipling is not among them. He wrote to the manufac- turer of his American machine: “It’s a dandy. My greatest joy in life is to rise early and oil it. I can do poems on this machine without the trouble of thought. I just start something at the first line, pull open the throttle valve and go out for a walk round Rottingdean. When I come back I find a poem of any desired length completed, and the machine flushed and happy, waiting modestly for my applause.”—Boston Transcript. Ready to Return—She—Our old cook is out there, John. She says she will come back and work for us again. John—Oh, fine! Say, that’ll be great! She—Yes; she says she wants the same wages as she’s been getting in the muni- tion works.—New York World. Deference Due—* What is your cook’s first name?” “We never thought of inquiring. We'd never think of being so familiar as to call her by it.” — Washington Star. Servant Problem Again—Mistress— I'm going to give a silver tea for the benefit of the church next Tuesday night, Pauline, so I’ll expect you to be on duty in the kitchen. New Cook—Very well, ma'am. But what percentage of the gross receipts do I get for my overtime?”—Buffalo Express. The Difficult Maid—Edith Wharton, the writer, is noted in Paris for her caustic w Mrs. Wharton was recently engaging maids for her apartment. One applicant was very difficult. “Of course, madam,” she said, ‘ won't expect me to clean windows: “Oh, no; of course not,” said Mrs. Wharton. “Nor to sweep?” “Certainly not.” “Nor answer the door bell?” “No, indeed.”” “Nor—” “No, no,” Mrs. Wharton interrupted graciously. “I expegt none of these things from my parlor-maid. I only want her to look at, and for that you arc too plain." —Detroit Free Press. ou comicbooks.com