Judge — February 22, 1919 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Sick Bed of the Bourgeois No Mystery—At an enginecr’s shop in the East the proprictor had one man upon whom he could rely for being punctual to his time. Just recently he has fallen from his habit and on several occasions has been late: He was behind time a few mornings ago the proprietor called him into the office, “Can't you manage to get here at your time, James, as you used to do?” he said “Lcan't sleep at nights, now, sir, and it makes me late sometimes, but [ will try and alter it,” replied the man “If it is sleeplessness you suffer from. ames, why don’t you consult a doctor and find out the cause Oh, I know the cause, sir; it is six weeks old." —Chicago Daily N Abnormal—“These people are not normal.” What's the matter with them?” “They told my wife the other day their kid never said anything worth repeating.” Baltimore American Infantile nius—" Mayme’s baby to hear her talk, must be the smartest child on the block.” “Yes, I was fully prepared to hear her say when the child swallowed a tack, it tor say he was because he heard the d needed more iron in his system.” Yonkers Statesman. Something in a Name—When Mr James F. Menty of Pittsburgh receives his fourth pair of twins, as he did yester- day, it seems that a name has a certain sort of mission after all —Buffalo News Some Car—“ Triplets up at Wombat’s house, I hear.” “Yes, he’s looking for a three-passenger baby carriage Kansas City Journal. Another Man—* Miss Swift is learn ing to ride a bicycle, she tells me.” “But she rode one last year. Why does she have to learn again?” “Another fellow is teaching her.” Stray Stories. At Last a Truthful Man—A Carroil- tun citizen who every summer gues to the Northern likes returned last week from his annual outing and confessed that he hadn’t caught a single fish, and the Car- rollton Republican-Record says Diogenes may now blow out his light and lie down to pleasant dreams. Kansas City Times. The Fatal Marriage ‘Thee Too Much To Believe—Nate Sals- bury, of the Chicago Post, has an en tirely new version of “ther’ ain't no sech animile” story, which he told to members of the American Press Humorists’ Asso: ciation while the convention was being held in the Windy City The “hero” of this yarn was a wobbly individual who stopped to gaze into the window of a restaurant where some proud fisherman had placed on display a huge muskellunge, nicely mounted on a board. The man gazed at the trophy for some time, and then, as he turned to go, he put his whole soul into the exclamation: “Well, the man who says he caught that fish is a doggone liar.” — Youn sstown Telegram Unjust’ Imputation ng. fish- ing?” “Can you afford to loaf in that way? “Twant to tell you that a man who can come home with several pounds of fish for the family dinner is no loafer.” Washington Star. S POR TSF O O D Anything to Please—Iead Waiter (after hearing subordinate’s complaint) Yes, yes, Lknow! But remember that in this hotel the guest is always right Watter—And he also said that the salad wasn’t fit for a he Head Waiter (fiercely)—Then take it back and get him some that is!—Buffalo Express. The Only Way—In its natural state the alligator eats nothing from September to May. The only way to beat the high cost of living is to be an alligator. — Detroit Free Press. Dodging the Issue— Mrs. Overwate had a deadly gleam in her ey tered the butcher’s and said in a withering voice “Mr. Aichtoan, how do you account for the fact that there was a piece of rut ber tire in the sausage I bought here yes terday?” h, my dear madam,” responded the butcher, rising to the occasion, “that just serves as an illustration of how the motor car is replacing the horse everywhere now adays.”—Ditsburgh Chronicle Telegraph List to Star-Board—Every German family should be furnished with an appetizing list of food cargees sent to the bottom by U-boats.—Wall Street Journal. A Wasted Effort d tute young Hun endeavoring to change by the aid of mistletoe the intentions f an infuriated encmy. (One o many ittle fraternization tricks prepared in advance for Christmas by the Hun, but happily ne wr sary.)—Rystander (London) comicbooks.com