Judge — January 25, 1919 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“But Att Micut Stitt Have Been t Han We Nort Run Acinst TH’ Question iv TH’ Loyatty iv tu’ Repusiic iv Pataconia” Was Patagonia Neutral By Exvtis Parker ButTLer Illustrations by Witerep Jones H’ REASON I kem v’ N’ York (said Mike Dugan) was an afterthought that occurred tv’ me whin I was partly sober; for a camel can go sivin days widout dhrink, but thim three gintelmin—Billings, Roscommon an’ Rawson—was fr’m th’ de disthricts i iv Chicago. y says U me, “this municipality iv s that dhry th’ Desert iv Sahara is a pond beside iv it, and th’ chance is that if me an’ Roscommon an’ Billings don’t get a dhrink soon we'll catch fire from internal combustion. ‘Take this cash an’ our suit-case an’ fetch a dozen quarts iv old Scotch fr’m Baltimore, but be wary, for if they catch ye they'll give ye sivin hundred years at hard labor, so strenyus is th’ law aginst th’ importation iv joy wather.” “Trust Dugan!” I says tv’ thim. “I was born on th’ Isle iv Sthrategy in th’ midst iv th’ Lake iv Wisdom, and no wan can put annything over on Dugan. Good- bye, lads! Tomorry I will enther th’ door with a case full iv th’ grandest whiskey ye ever touched tongue to, even though th’ intire Saycrit Service iv th’ United Sthates is on me tracks.” “Come back by th’ trolly,” says Billings. hey say th’ embargo is not so strict upon it “Strict or not strict,” Is v him, “I will fool th’ embargo until it looks like thirty cints,” and I wint upon my way. Whin I arrived in Baltimore I had no throuble in obtainin’ by purchase twilve quart bottles iv th’ most glorious whiskey that iver wet a throat, but whin I sthepped upon th’ trolley car I found th’ embargo had tightened into a knot. “What have ye in th’ suit-case?” asks th’ conductor. ‘wilve quart jars iv raspberry jam,” I says, “from grandma,” I says, “‘t’ cousin Hattie. Maybe you raymimber that cousin Hattie marrid Long Sam Hogan,” I says, “that has but wan eye,” I says, “him havin’ lost the other in the ruckus wid Pathrick Casey that time whin ‘i “Open th’ suit-case,”” says th’ conductor. “We'll have a look, an’ no talk from ye!” “Tt was a grand fight, ” I says. Twas th’ night befoor Christmas an’ Casey was pied whin up stheps proud Hogan an’ shoves him aside—” “Will ye open th’ suit-case or do I open icf for ye?” asks th’ conductor. “What street did ye say this was?” I says. “Thank ye, here’s where I get‘off.”” Whin I was in th’ street I says t’ mesilf, “ Dugan, th’ time has'come whin nawthin’ but sthrategy will win th’ day. Th’ plain an’ simple suit-case is no longer persona grata upon th’ electric car. Th’ crool eye iv suspicion is cast upon it. We will inter yon barroom and cogitate upon th’ situation.” So I intered and cogitated, and whilst I was upon th’ third dhrink, two fine lads intered also and soon we were all but in tears over th’ croolty iv th’ timperance laws iv th’ Capital city iv America. Whin I come v’ think iv it I opine that some iv us wept copiously. “Copiously, but briefly, mind ye! for in no time at all th’ sthrategic mind iv me had solved th’ problim from th’ ground up. “Lads,” I says, “there are more ways than one iv trarspoortin’ joy t’ Washin’t What do I see across th’ strate?” “As swell a skirt as I iver set eyes on,” says one lad. “Forget th’ feminine sex for a minute, if ye can,” I says, ‘and look beyant her into th’ shop windy. What see ye?” “A tuba and a dhrum,” says th’ lad. “A triangle and a pair iv cymbals. A loud comicbooks.com ——