Judge, 1918-09-14 · page 5 of 32
Judge — September 14, 1918 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis This page from Judge magazine features "Thirty Thoughts," a literary column by Gelett Burgess (author of "Are You a Bromide?"), illustrated by Wilfred Jones. The cartoon at top shows a silhouetted man in profile observing various people and activities—apparently representing the author observing human behavior to mine for his observations. The caption quotes him reflecting on trivial thoughts: "Sometimes I think of sandpaper sandwiches chewed cautiously. Wouldn't you hate to be my brain?" The accompanying essay explains Burgess's literary innovation: brief, disconnected observations about everyday absurdities (funny names, tailors, daughters named Dorothy, simplified spelling debates, fashion details). Rather than conventional narrative, these "thirty thoughts" capture the scattered, associative nature of actual human thinking—a proto-modernist technique treating mundane mental wandering as legitimate literary subject matter.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE Pounded 1884 “THE HAPPY MEDIUM” “Sometimes I Tuink or Sanpparer Sanpwicues Cuewep Cautiousty. Woutpn’t You Hate to BE My Brain?” Thirty Thoughts A New Form of Literature Invented by the Author of “Are You a Bromide?” By Ge.etrr Burcess Illustrated by Witrrep Jones THINK I'll invent a new Form of Literature. I have nothing else to do to-night but a tooth- ache, so I'll invent one. In venturing to invent one I prefer not to be merely humorous. Humorous, perhaps, but not funny. Too funny to be true, like “ i too true to be funny, like “jimp” and “jejune. are plumbers funny when a tailor isn’t? Isn’t_ housemaid’s knee always supposed to be funny? Funny how names are fun- ny! Peter was once a funny name; but now it’s the smartest name for a magazine hero. Also the despised Bridget is now in style. Styles change. Remember when we named all our daughters Margaret or Dorothy? That was in 1888. Whenever I meet a Dorothy I know she is exactly thirty years old. Exactly thirty of these thoughts make my Form. You have to be a real thinker, though; you can’t just put down scraps like the things you over- hear in the crowd coming out of the theater. I could make this very silly if I didn’t give the strong touch to what I think of. Think of really knowing what a person is thinking of! But now you do. I’m thinking exactly these thoughts here. Wouldn’t you hate to be my brain? My brain has thoughts; some rattle, some squirm. Sometimes I think of formaldehyde, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think of sandpaper sandwiches chewed cautiously. Almost everything with the sound of K is coarse. Kick and curse and cold and cough and curmudgeon. Kiss? Of course kiss is coarse, when you see it. See? You just connect on whenever you want to. Want to connect on to Simplified Spelling? Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? What are Simplified Spellers really like? Side whiskers? Celluloid collars? White butterfly ties? As to their wives, how do they like it? I like a story that begins, “John’s pockets were comicbooks.com