Judge — March 2, 1918 — page 33: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JuDq courast 2n.3..09 hop, ant fir Whi 1, dea ng els RAINS wewne March 2. 1918 Passing of the Banquet By Cuestertox Toop | lt tendency to cut out public | banquets on account of food con- servation, if it keeps up, will soon cause consternation in intellectual circles. Quite a large number of people have es come to depend almost entirely upon public banquets for their intellectual pabulum. What they are going to do “ when cut off from this source of supply re- mains to be scen, but the prospect is certainly not encouraging. A public banquet is the easiest known method for absorbing mental nourish- ment without any corresponding thought. Speakers who are trained with extraordi- nary care to talk to an audience that is so full of food that it cannot think, even if thinking were a habit, are remarkably successful in their efforts, and growing more so. These speakers are usually divided into two grand groups, namely those who are funny and those who are dull. The two are by no means synonymous. The funny speaker has brought himself up toa high degree of perfection and has done it by a very simple formula. Beginning his career fairly early in life, he tests his jokes over a course of years, eliminating gradually those that are not serviceable; thus in time he comes to acquire a solid basis of fun. He is perfectly safe in doing this, for the intellectual status of the average after-dinner audience never rises to the undignified level of remembering anything that it has ever heard before. Thus we see the same jokes laughed at just as heartily year after year. The dull speaker has much the same method, except that it works in a diametri- cally opposite manner. He begins by test- ing his own dullness, and after he h < quired practice at this interesting occupa- tion, becomes so used to being dull in public that he actually derives from it a WHITE _ vatuey GEMS ) Look and Wear Like Diamonds y guaranteed 25 years. 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What other people make almost a religion of conceal- ing, he blandly drags out in public, using his family as if they were a set of patent musical instruments, in order to furnish amusement to entire strangers—and all for the sake of building up his own reputa- tion as a speaker. Now if our banquets are going to be cut out—at least for the duration of the war—what, pray, is going to become of these gentlemen? and what of their audiences? An audience that has gotten beyond the point where it can even read a daily newspaper with any concentration, and has come to depend upon so called experts who feed it with words after it has been stuffed with food—certainly such an audience has a right to expect that if its chief intellectual prop is rudely taken away from it, some substitute shall be offered. We have substitutes for butter, for wheat, for meat; why not for banquets? A Choice of Evils By Groner Jay Sarrit E of these social philosophers has recently explained that we can’t get along without marriage after all, because only the abnormal human being can live contentedly alone. According to this doctrine the worst of life- partners is for the average person to be pre- ferred to having none. It is better to have wed and groaned than never to have wed at all, Thus is man found beween the devil of lone- liness and the deep sea of matrimony. If he avoids the loud and dizzy Scylla of wedded life, he strikes upon the hard Charybdis of a grouchy singleness. It’s a sad world, mates. “First For the Aid of the Injured” For any wound or abrasion use the antiseptic preparation that aids clean healing— Vaseline Reg. U. S.Pat. OfT. Carbolated PETROLEUMVJELLY Sold in metal-capped glass bottles and sanitary tin tubes at drug and department stores everywhere. Write for free ‘Vaseline’? Booklet. CHESEBROUGH MFG. COMPANY 35 State Street (Consolidated) — New York Are YOU doing sour bes to help win the war? Wiring by ’Phone Professor of English literature was endeavoring to send a telegram via the telephone route. He had secured the attention of the clerk, and when asked to whom he intended to send the message he began: “Mr. “Yes.” “N—_" “Yes.” “po THe » eprp “Did you ~—stands for philtre, you “No, no—'T know.” “Oh, you mean F “Not at all. I pneumatic.” “Huh “Can’t you understand? I distinctly said P; P, standing for pshaw.” “Wha-at?” “Confound you, P!! P, as in phthisis.” “You go to blazes! And the receiver hung up. mean P—P, for was indignantly Send Your Fae tobes i ‘omicbooks.com