Judge — March 2, 1918 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sixes and Sevens: 4y Albert E. Hoyt HE Kaiser says that when the peace con- ference assembles there can be no talk of the McAdoo has tasted all the sweets of public life and he'll admit that his railroad freight jam isn’t the kind mother used to make. 2 According to Scripture, the lion and lamb shall lie down together—but won't the lion be sort of crowded in the safe de- posit box? In electing animals to the ark, Noah gave them all equal representation, but in subsequent elec- tions Balaam’s mount seems to sort of run ahead. Drawn “T tell ye y JR. Suaver ere ain’t no sugar an’ ye can do yer bit by not cryin’ for what there ain’t.” AJORITY Kitchin s, that Congress will have to impose a lot more taxes, but he said so before Con- gressman Eugene Black, of Texas, returned to the treasury $150.16 from his clerk hire allowance— which is going to help some. Leader £ The women say they have abandoned the hat- pin for the ballot, but they will want to change back after they bet on Califor- nia a few times. e A Carthage, N. Y., firm announces that it is about to fill an order for 2,000 deacon skins, but in jus- tice to Billy Sunday it should be said that so wholesale a reversion to cannibalism seldom _ fol- lows his revivals. Safe and Sane: 4y Walt Mason “Uncle Walt’s” Exclusive Weekly Message to Judge and let us run to no extremes; to run amuck is always vain; the wise man purrs, the squarehead screams. Now, matrimony is a plan that wipes away a mortal’s tears; but bigamy will put a man in some cheap jail for forty years. One wife should certainly suffice the most ambitious gent on earth; yet some must marry twice or thrice before they get their money’s worth. And eating is a pastime sweet; in moderation, not a crime; no man is harmed by eating meat, twelve frugal ounces at a time. An appetite within me lies that calls for fodder by the ton, yet when I throw in seven pies, I leave the table—I am done. I never eat all I could hold, I always quit before [I’m through: and though the figures show I'm old, I'd maul a pair of chaps like you. Be safe and sane in everything, to wild extremes don’t ever rush, and you'll be happy as a king, as merry as a bobtail flush. I like to drive my motor car, that on the turnpike blithely skips. I say, “I'll help to win the war, by taking little, ie all things let’s be safe and sane, ) Drawn by FE. Frours sawed-off trips. Our country’s needing gasoline, it’s needing oil and rubber tires; and he’s no patriot, I ween, who tours around till he expires. Our coun- try’s needing leather seats, and steering wheels and inner tubes, and I won't cruise around the streets and wear them out, like other boobs.” Two hundred miles or so I ride, and then I put my car away, and in the barn it will abide until tomorrow or next day. I like to talk about the war, about the far-flung battles lines, of what the kings are fighting for, and why they don’t take in their signs. I like to start my talk at noon, and keep it up till close of day; butif I see my hearers swoon, I put the vital theme aw Some men would drool along and rave until the under- taker came to bear their victims to the grave, but I’m opposed to such a game. I'm full of facts and kindred stuff, I’m full of arguments and news, but half a day should be enough, I think, in which to air my views. Thus I am always safe and sane, and no extremes will go with me; I come in when it starts to rain, and dodge when lightning hits a tree. comicbooks.com