Judge, 1918-02-23 · page 16 of 36
Judge — February 23, 1918 — page 16: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three separate satirical pieces mocking early 20th-century American life: **"A Second-Hand One"** ridicules the unreliability of early automobiles (likely Model T Fords, called "flivvers"). The poem humorously describes an owner's futile attempts to repair a broken car that defies diagnosis—the joke being that this newfangled technology is so unpredictable it needs "prayers" rather than mechanics. **"A Modern Essential"** satirizes upper-class hypochondria and status-seeking. The piece mocks wealthy people who undergo unnecessary surgeries simply to have interesting medical stories for social conversation—suggesting vanity and one-upmanship have replaced genuine health concerns. **"Pleasing Hubby"** makes a wartime joke about food rationing (likely WWI-era meatless Tuesdays), where a wife requests cheaper cuts of meat, sarcastically attributing it to her husband's complaint that butchers' prices are too high. All three pieces mock contemporary anxieties: unreliable technology, social pretension, and economic hardship.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A Second-Hand One By Watter G. Doty "VE fussed at it and worked at it; I’ve grabbed the crank and jerked at it; I've backed it up and jacked it up; I've often well nigh hacked it up; I've bullied it and worried it And humored it and curried it; Day after day in vain I've worked; In sunshine and in rain I've worked. 1 cannot find a blasted thing That's wrong with that dodgasted thing. It seems to have no fault but one— No power on earth can make it run. I've sounded it and pounded it; These many weeks I've hounded it; I've probed its inward mystery; I've sought and learned its history— A worthy one, as told to me, Until the thing was sold to me; Then viciously and arrantly It up and died, apparently; Though sometimes there’s a flickering with sounds like snickering. is plain it doesn’t need repairs. The thing that flivver needs is prayers! Defined Willie Willis—What’s a “food speculator”’? Tommy Gillis—It’s a kid what goes light on the meat and takes a gambling chance on there being Drawn by Jos. Davis enough dessert to go around. “IT cannot tell a lic! I didn’t chop down the trees; besides, military necessity made me do it.” If He Knew : Nodd—How much does it cost you to live—if A Modern Essential that is a fair question? , By A. Vic Vit Todd—My dear fellow, if I knew, it would worry F you expect to stay up in the conversational world, meso that I wouldn’t be able to make half as much don’t try to get along any longer without an operation. as I do now. You can’t do it. There is noth- ing so vulgar nowadays as a com- plete anatomy. Have your liver removed or swap your duodenum for a silver tube. Let some prominent surgeon scrape your ethnoidal sinus or shift your lungs. Let him do anything that will keep you in a popular hospital for two or three weeks and incidentally give you something to talk about for life. Avoid minor operations. Only the veriest upstarts use them in up-to-date conversation. And insist upon the latest general anesthetic with all of the most recent acces- sories and attendants. Remember that when you get well you will be expected to talk, talk, talk about all that you have undergone. You will have to do it if you expect to hold your own with the other ladies. Pleasing Hubby Butcher—What cut, madam? She—One from the lower part —s of the animal, please. Hubby says ~ Drawn by Froxence Scover Suinx most of your cuts are too high. Hostess (to honored guest)—All our set is observing meatless Tuesdays. comicbooks.com