Judge — February 2, 1918 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Digest of Humor ITH this issue our readers will find, in addition to the usual bulk of pictorial and textual amusement offered, a new and unique feature—“A Digest of the World’s Humor.” In presenting this novel, and we hope quite acceptable feature, we be- lieve Judge has struck a big, new note in contemporary illustrated journalism. We believe, too, that in garner- ing from available foreign and home sources the best humor of the moment, we are giving our friends who, during thirty-six successful years, have come to look upon this publication as a prime necessity, a fresh plus quality which will prove delightful. In the selection of our Digest of Humor material we have been actuated, in the main, by the belief that an eclectic array of the world’s fun in each future issue will add to the interest and gaiety of all our readers, and to this end we have exercised a broad and catholic taste in the presentation with an eye to the American viewpoint on all things of a mirth-provoking nature. We have gone far afield for your entertainment, stray- ing, now and then, into the unknown byways of journalism to pluck and transplant some quaintly appealing bloom which otherwise might have perished in the sterile soil of local neglect. It is the mission of Judge, as conceived by its publishers, to reach the gospel of cheerfulness in these war-harried days. We Believe it is the imperative duty of every true American to keep his mind, no less than his body, fit for the work ahead of us as a nation, and the one sure method of attaining mental efficiency springs from frequent and wholesome draughts of humor. The man who smiles in the face of difficulties is the’ man who wins; the typical Gloomy Gus is generally a Teuton. If we are to win the war the job must be accomplished not alone with a stout heart but with a smiling countenance. And to evoke the genuine smile there are few better aids than the pages of this publication. There may be times when you do not agree with us as to the fun-inducing character of the things we print, but we are constantly doing our best to make you happy, and if we do not always strike hands with you on the quality of our effort put it down to our simple human frailty. From now on you will have the privilege of tasting the other fellow’s wit along with our own, and here is where the extra eight pages of humor gathered in from all over the world will play their part in stirring your risibles and giving you that fine glow which is born of laughter. 225 Fifth Avenue New York JupcE JUDGE Oh! So True HAT is the price of gasoline, Mr. Multi-millionaire? Of course, it doesn’t matter and really I don’t care. For I have to have the stuff to run this old machine; But just for the sake of talking, WHAT’S THE PRICE OF GASOLINE? Last month I sold a bedstead and my sister’s diamond ring To pay for the juice you sold me to run the darned old thing. The month before you stripped me of my bank-roll slick and clean, But, just for the sake of argument, WHAT'S THE PRICE OF GASOLINE I’m going out of business, it costs too much for rent. I've sold my summer cottage and am camping in a tent. I’m wondering now if I can’t live on bread and half a bean. But tell me before they take out my phone, WHAT'S THE PRICE OF GASOLINE? I remember when I bought the car it didn’t seem so much, I only paid a thousand and they gave me an extra clutch, But when I got my first month’s bill for GAS AND AUTOKLEAN, It made me sorter wonder WHAT'S THE PRICE OF GASOLINE? Of course, I love to run it, love to take my friends for rides; Love to sit and watch the nice fresh paint peel off its shining sides; Love to pay for chicken dinners out where grass and trees are green, But I'd like to know before I die THE PRICE OF GASOLINE. I suppose I'll run my auto till I haven’t got a cent, Till I owe a full month’s board bill and a thousand dollars rent; Then I'll run it down the river like a blooming submarine And gurgle from the bottom “WHAT’S THE PRICE OF GAS- OLINE?” —J. P. Truax in the Rochester, N. Y., Sphinx. ives ton Epigrams of a Mayor I. HOUSE, Mayor of Topeka, Kansas, is happily married, J but he finds delight in taking innocent flings at the marriage institution and at women in general. Thus: “A young man is bossed by his father until he is 21 years old, and by a woman for the balance of his life. “The men depend upon Dun and Bradstreet for information concerning a man’s credit rating, but women merely look at his wife’s clothes. “Marriage is a sacred rite through which a man subjects himself to perpetual cross-examination. “The rule is that the smaller the woman the greater the amount of scenery she attempts to stage. “Becoming famous often involves a man in the difficulty of con- cealing an elderly, dowdy and socially hopeless wife from the public. “After a woman has led a man up to the point where he will eat out of her hand she doesn’t care to feed him. “You cannot attract much attention by talking sense. desire to recruit a following you must talk folly. “Carl Morris is back where he started, but the distance cov- ered on the round trip was inconsiderable. If you care for the moral, it is that cheese is a poor traveler. “While it is true that New York makes the six-day bicycle race possible we do not appear to be capricious. Topeka has on several occasions filled the auditorium in response to the announcement that Mr. Bryan would speak. “Next to the old pipe the perfumed man is the most unpleasant odor. “The trouble with the man who gets up early in the morning is that he considers it a virtue. “After you have spent a Sunday in New York City you are unlikely to complain of the dulness of the community in which you reside. “Eph Wiley and Buck Kilby were discussing a public man who had recently passed from view. ‘What did he ever do, I ask; what did he ever do?’ sno-ted Buck, who was conducting the case for the prosecution. ‘Well,’ Eph replied, ‘he lived in Kansas forty years without once making a fool of himself, and that is a remark- able feat.""—New York Sun. a AEGEAN If you