Judge — January 5, 1918 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

XUM and bent, and lazy, at this writing, I sit and criticise the gent who's doing all the Four “Uncle Wat's” Exelasive Message to Judge F I were not so old and gray, I'd sail across the water, and show the allies how to slay, to spring new curves in slaughter. But, being old and worn A New Order und Officers’ Training Dept. Kelly uth Son Antonio, Tera. - Ay ROOKIE” sergeant suddenly placed in charge of several squads for drill instruction ran them into a tree unex- pectedly. Ata loss to know what order to give them he surprised them with “Fifty-fifty around that tree!” It Works Both Ways By Bruce Cole, Army Y.W.C. As, Camp Dodge, Towa. It was at one of the new National Army Cantonments. A recruit passed a self- important second lieutenant who had just received his commission at one of the * Officers’ Reserve Training Camps. The “rookie” failed to salute. The lieutenant wheeled and said: “You there, halt! Don’t you know enough to salute an officer?” The “rookie” gazed at him dumbly, at a loss for a satisfactory explanation. fighting. I have a map by which I show how fights should go, in order to lay the howling Teuton low, or chase him o’er the border. If I were not in doctor's care, I'd trail along with Hoover, and cut things from the bill of fare, which is a wise maneuver. I'd like to join the other jays, conserving fats and greases, but if I did, the meatless ys would jolt me all to pieces. ‘You must have mutton, pork and beef,” so says my stern physician, “or you will shortly come to grief, for you're in bad condition.” So sorrow c my soul in two, as I my roast am carving; but 1 indorse the boys who do their patriotic starving. If I were not so pressed for stamps I'd give, as you are giving, to help the boys in army camps, and make their lives THE FIGH and salute me “Now, you stand there fifty times,” ordered the licutenant. The “rookie” obeyed. A major f ing, stopped to watch the performance. At its completion he said: “What's this?” The lieutenant explained. “Don’t you know that an officer must return the salute of a private?” inquired the major. “Return the fifty.” And he did. Well Described By E. L. Folk, Jt Ground Offers Tr Fietd,, No. 2, South San Antor A “rookie” who was sent to one of the camps in Texas saw his first horned toad on his arrival there. In writing to one of his friends in the automobile business back home, he described the toad as “an enlongated frog, upholstered with in- verted tacks, mounted on a_ lizard chassis! Dept. Kelly . Texas. worth living. But I’ve a car that calls for mon until it sets me swearing; it burns up petrol by the ton, and always needs repairing. I can’t give up my daily jaunts, until the Reaper fells me; “They're just the stuff a sick man wants,” my learned physician tells me. If I were not so cheap a fraud, I’d cut oul my excuses, and straii blow my wad, to cook the K: So many tell what they'd wonderful and clever, how thi make the Prussians grieve, if—if—and if forever! Regret “Does your husband ever refer to your honeymoon?” he often wishes he had the moncy he spent during it." Cold Comfort Y love is like a figurine, For when I would her heart beguile, She looks on me with frozen mien, Or flashes me a marble smile! My love is like a figurette; She fills my yearning soul with awe, But all the comfort that I get Is like a January thaw!—Clinton Scollard. TING MEN Another Chance Seeing a sailor under the influence of intoxicants, an officer of another ship reprimanded him. “When you get back to your own ship put yourself on report for misconduct.” This the man neglected to do and his failure later came to the notice of the officer who had instructed him. The offi- cer, encountering him again, said: “Why didn’t you put yourself on re- port as I told you?” “T thought I'd give myself another chance,” returned the offender. And the officer let it go at that. Unkind Geraldine—Why didn't you enlist? Gerald—I had trouble with my feet. Geraldine—Flat, or cold?