Judge, 1917-10-06 · page 10 of 28
Judge — October 6, 1917 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"Don't You Care"** — A poem by Walter G. Doty offering sardonic advice about romantic rejection, suggesting men console themselves by pursuing other women. The humor lies in treating romantic disappointment as trivial. **"Only Ones Who Haven't"** — A joke where Willis assumes Assyria, Media, and Carthage are "dead nations" because he hasn't read newspaper reports of them declaring war on Germany. This satirizes wartime anxiety and newspaper obsession—the implication being that with so many nations at war, any nation *not* mentioned in war reports must be extinct. **"Gross Injustice"** — Farmer Hornbeak cancels his newspaper subscription because it called him a "substantial citizen" when he considers himself "prominent and influential"—mocking rural vanity and small-town newspaper pomposity. **"Excelsior"** — A romantic aviation story where an aviator laments he cannot overcome "the High Cost of Living," a contemporary economic complaint. The remaining pieces are lighter humor and a poem addressing readers directly.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Don't You Care HEN a girl makes a foo! of you, sonny, Don’t take it too seriously. It is probably well worth the money To know what a dolt you can be. If you look at it right, it’s just funny. Makes you feel like the Dickens? What then? It has happened to all of us, sonny— To the best and the wisest of men. And the very best antidote, sonny, When a maiden thus makes you feel blue, Is to hunt up some other sweet honey And let her make a fool of you too! —Walter G. Doty. Only Ones Who Haven't Willis—You're more of an historical scholar than I thought you were. How did you know that Assyria, Media and Carthage are dead nations? Gillis—Well, I hadn’t seen anything in the papers about their declaring war on Germany. Gross Injustice “The Weekly Palladium is going to raise its subscription price to two dollars a year,” said Mrs. Hornbeak. “Come on, boys, here come the tanks!” “Well, I guess I won't take it any longer,” replied honest Farmer Hornbeak. “It ain’t reliable. Why the Excelsior last time I was in town it referred to me as a ‘substantial HE aviator kissed his sweetheart and groaned intermit- citizen of Shellback township,’ when everybody knows that tently while the steady whirring of his motor blurred the I am ‘prominent and influential’!” sound of both, “TI have broken all records for alti- tude,” he said, “and yet—” his tone became bitter, “I can not seem to top that thing there.” “And what is that?” asked his bride- to-be as she strained her eyes to see a tiny speck far above them. “That,” replied the dauntless airman | as he chipped frozen tear-drops from the | corners of both eyes, “is the High Cost of Living. Pleased “Does your wife admire your judg- ment?” “Yes, in the matter of selecting a spouse.” To the Reader OST poets sing about their deeds, In joy or lamentation, And never give the one who reads The least consideration. But I am different, perforce, And am not one who spurns you; I much prefer to here discourse On you, and what concerns you. I wonder how you think and feel? What now you're thinking, feeling? If our two souls could e’er appeal? If now they are appealing? Perhaps you are misunderstood? Unhappy? Then I greet you! Perhaps you're good, but not too good? “For the love of goodness, Elizabeth, is that the basket you bought for marketing?” Well, say! I'd like to meet you! “Certainly. Why not? It'll hold two dollars’ worth of groceries.” —Harold Seton.