Judge — September 29, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IRON CROSSES W READ that so many millions of iron crosses have been doled out to date by the lavish hand of the Kaiser that he has developed a bad case of iron-crossitis, an ailment similar NA | RI] to writers’ cramp. It is now a mark of distinction in Germany not to own one. In the early days of the war, men behind the lines who efficiently polished the boots of a third under-assistant ny deputy in the commissary department had these iron crosses WALT:-MASON : pinned upon their heaving chests for valor. No wonder that the German public, although it has been taught to swallow everything, is now suffering from sore throat. The iron cross will not go down. We suggest, purely in the spirit of helpfulness, that hereafter these tokens be fashioned of succulent frankfurters. We guar- antee that there will never be a surplus of them on the hero market, and they can be given out in even greater numbers as long as meat substitutes last. This will not only silence criticism but enable the Teutonic strategists—now that the Mexican plot is something of a back number—to keep up their batting averages. —Elias Lieberman. — NEVER will have wealth to burn, my strongbox ne’er with plunder groans; I blow in all the coin I earn, and owe the tailor thirty bones. I think I’m lucky when I raise the wherewithal for daily meals; I do not save for rainy days, and owe the grocer seven wheels. And, being always stony broke, compelled to get my duds on trust, I say harsh things of richer folk, and tell how I would spend their dust. “If Lhad Johnson's gorgeous wad,” Isay, throughout the neighborhood, “I'd scatter sunshine all abroad, I'd spend my lifetime doing good. I'd pay the widow's past-due rent, and wipe the briny from her eyes; I'd stake the broke but worthy gent, and give the starving orphans pies. I’d seek the tenement and slum and cheer the heartsick dwellers there, I'd) scatter smiles and chewing gum and_ all the coin I had to spare. If I had Johnson’s gorgeous wad, the world would hear less sighs and moans; but I am broke, so help me, Maud; I wish you'd lend me fifteen bones.”” Tam too fat to go to war; long since the sergeant said to me, “Grim battle you're not fashioned for—you could not wield a snickersnee. If you went marching to the front, you'd leave a trail of melted lard; so you just stick to your old stunt, and cut out gore, oh, dippy bard.” And since I cannot seck the fray, I like to tell what I would do if I might spend a half a day at shooting up the Prussian crew. I try to make the neighbors think that with my warlike zeal and power, I'd put the Kaiser on the blink in something less than half an hour. I raise a most tremend- ous fuss, because the sergeant turned me down; I paw the earth and yell and cuss in every quarter of the town. But kom LEN had the sergeant let me in, to wield the sword instead of pen, i and rampage in the battle’s din, heart failure would have claimed me then. “Devs gonna draf you anyhow. Come, on wid me: Ise in de cavaly.” “Ah wouldn't join de cavalry no ways!” We all are fakers, every one, we're handling gold bricks p sro Je oe every day; I let the truth out, just for fun, and you don’t Wall, when dat bugle blows, ‘RETREAT, 1 don't want to fuss wid give the fact away. hos!” - comicbooks 6eyia