Judge, 1917-09-01 · page 6 of 28
Judge — September 1, 1917 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This article by Arthur Chapman satirizes automobile salesmen through humorous anecdotes about their dubious sales tactics and exaggerated claims. The main cartoon depicts a mother objecting to her son Bobbie playing "the Star Spangled Banner" loudly, suggesting the car's noise is so terrible it's compared to patriotic music played badly. The text mocks salesmen's deceptive practices—claiming cars use minimal gasoline, attributing grand achievements to mediocre vehicles, and fabricating technical specifications. Chapman compares selling cars to submarine captains "raiding passenger traffic," emphasizing the predatory nature of sales. The satire critiques early automobile industry's aggressive marketing culture and the gap between advertised promises and actual performance. The magazine targets both unscrupulous dealers and gullible consumers, reflecting public skepticism about emerging automotive commerce.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HOW TO BECOME AN AUTOMOBILE SALESMAN By ARTHU lutely ntial to fail in several other branches of en- deavor. Nobody starts out deliberately to sell automobiles. He drops into the business by some chance. Having achieved the necessary preliminary failure as a butter salesman, quite naturally one turnsto the automobile industry. Strange we had never thought of it before! With millions of dollars being spent for auto- mobiles, why should we not get a share of this wealth in the form of commissions? We know of a friend who has inherited some money—and inherited money flows into auto- mobile channels quite as naturally as water flows downhill. We approach him in the in- terests of the car whose advertising has appealed to us, and soon the deal is made. Thereupon we become a full-fledged automobile salesman. After a few weeks of work every automobile salesman’s heart turns to stone. A post-mortem upon the body of the captain of a submarine engaged in raiding passenger traffic would disclose a heart soft in comparison with that of any automobile salesman. It is enough to know that the victim has money. There are demonstrations that demonstrate little except that Machi: velli could learn much craft from the man at the steering wheel. Perhaps half an hour previously the salesman had been making remarks concerning the car which would call for censorship. These remarks, ad- dressed to the garage mechanician, might run as follows “Bill, I’m with you when you say this is the worst boat that ever spoiled good machinery in the making. How the nuts bolts and rivets hold during a run over an asphalt street is a mystery to me. The inventor of that engine certainly must be in the mad-house to day. The car’s wheels are elliptical, the springs are made of pokers, the oil won't flow anywhere except on the ground, and nothing short of a corporal’s guard could possibly put up the one- man top. If you can make this scow hold together through this demonstration there’s a five-case note in it for you, Bill, provided I put the sale over.” To the man in the car this song is sung: “She's the finest little dust-raiser that ever stood on rubber tires. She's grabbed so many speed cups that there’s a famine in ‘em today. She’s got the sweetest running engine in the world. She's that silent that she wouldn’t even make an echo if you drove her into the whispering gallery in the Capitol at Washington. And easy riding—why the only danger TS become a successful automobile salesman it is abso- ht R CHAPMAN something before you wake up. She uses so little gasoline that she’s got old John D. losing sleep o’ nights worrying about his in- come. Didn’t you read about how this car was run from Bangor, Maine, to the Grand Canyon on cleven quarts of gas? Yes, sir—that’s a fact—figures prove it. And then the driver had enough gasoline left to clean his trousers with. If all touring cars were of this make, the sheriffs all over the country would be playing a regular tattoo with their hammers putting up notices of sale on the doors of repair men. There are seven men waiting for this car now, just as soon as I run her back to the garage, and you'd better grab her while you've got a chance. All right, I'll stop now and you can sign the check. I’m sure glad you've seen your chance and taken advantage of it. This car is going to give you more entertainment than anything else you ever bought. You'll dream it and fairly taste it before you get through. You understand, of course, the price must be kept strictly confidential. The manufacturers would skin me if they knew what I took for this car. I hate to let the little boat go, myself. 1 know I never can get another just like her. But my loss is your gain.” It’s an interesting life, that of the automobile salesman, but isn’t exactly the front door to the ministry. The world will have to be a mighty sight safer for democracy before they pull any abdication stuff on the baseball umpire. Bobbie, what an awful noise!” is that she'll rock you to sleep and you'll run into ‘m s'prised at you, Mother, objectin’ to me playin’ the Star Spangled Banner ” comicbooks.com