Judge — July 14, 1917 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ae AS NYY WARS HORRORS E’LL have to listen day and night to fellows anxious W to explain just why they didn’t go to fight and leave their bodies with the slain. The men who do not toe the mark when they are summoned tothe fray, who dodged the sergeant in the dark, will tell us why the livelong di “The boon of peace I do abhor,” says cne; “I love the bat- tle shock; I fairly longed to go to war, but I had corns and couldn’t walk. I’d love to wallow round in gore, I am that sort of blooming toff; but when a fellow’s feet are sore, it is no use, the stuff is off.” “Oh, danger is a thing I court,”’ another dauntless talker cries, “but I have grandmas to support, and aunts demanding bread and pies. It breaks my heart to st home, to do my humdrum round of toil, when others sail across the foam, to swat the foe on France’s soil. To wield a sword my spirit pants, I fain would raise the battle shout, but how could I desert my aunts, who look to me for wurst and kraut?” Whenever we go out of doors, to test the wind or beg a chew, we'll run against the weary bores, who think apologies are duc. We'll also meet the pilgrim bold who'd rather fight than eat or drink, who groans because he is too old to go and slay a Prus- sian gink. “Ah, could my youth but be restored, the kaiser’s hosts would melt away! I’d mow them down with my good sword, as some hale farmer mows the h: I would incarnadine the land, I’d chase the foemen to their tents—and if you have the cash in hand, I'd like to borrow fifty cents. We'll also meet the bard inspired who's working on a death- less pome, which, when he has it duly lyred, will burn up some shesian dome. “The theme is worthy of my harp,” he cries, in ecstacy sublime id IT can beat that Milton sharp at turning out a martial rhyme. I'll sing the war in thunder tones, I'll voice the din, the dying shrieks, and if you have a pair of bones I wish you'd stake me for three weeks.” War’s horrors cannot all be told, in one brief song, as well you know, but, ah, they make our blood run cold, and fill our valiant souls with woe, Ways of Women We confess we don’t understand women. We overheard one in a shop the other day say: “No, I don’t like that and I wouldn't have it under any circumstances, but you may give me a sample.” Our New Garage ly ROY K. MOULTON D” RING the long and tedious Winter months we labored on an invention which is expected to make us rich beyond the dreams of avarice. The invention is now com- plete and is ready to be placed upon the market as soon as we can float the bonds, inflate the capital stock, water the Juation, oi! the machinery, and turn on the steam. Nothing as important has been invented since the odorless onion. Our invention comes to fill a long-felt want. It is nothing more nor less than a collapsible garage, which can be set up ot taken down in cight minutes, Eastern standard time, and is meant for the use of automobile owners who cannot pay their rent and are obliged to move frequently to different localities where there are strange meat markets and grocery stores, where new lines of credit may be established. Our garage is made of tin and can be carried in the ordinary suitcase when folded up. When opened it keeps unfolding and unfolding until you have a regular garage with two window: double doors and a gasoline can sitting out behind. It much easier than a tent to put up and take down and will accommodate any sized automobile from the $250 peanut roadster variety up to the seven-passenger plutocrat. When going on a long tour the owner can take the garage along with him in a suit case and pitch it anywhere he decides to spend the night. The price of this garage is going to be in the neighborhood of $8 cash, or $117 if paid for in monthly instalments. They will come in all colors, pink garages to match pink houses, blue garages to match blue houses, etc. We are ready to sell territory to anybody who calls. We have already disposed of Alaska, Iceland and Montenegro. We forgot to mention that the garage has a padlock on the front door, open plumbing, hot water heat, gas grate, hard and soft water and a looking glass in the bathroom. If you have no automobile, the garage can easily be used as a bungalow. The Extremist Hubbubs—That solemn housemaid of yours seems the per- sonification of carefulness. I suppose she never breaks any- thing. Subbubs—No, she has been here nearly a month now, and hasn't even cracked a smile. | | Compuaanon + | SREANTASTS, Waiter—Will you have breakfast number one, number two, number three, or number four ? Hearty eater—I'll take them all ! Waiter—Yessir, that’s number thirteen—hash ! comicbooks.com