Judge, 1917-07-07 · page 22 of 27
Judge — July 7, 1917 — page 22: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains primarily **advertisements** with one substantial satirical poem/story titled "Zeal Triumphant" by W. Kee Maxwell. The poem mocks overzealous military recruitment during what appears to be the **World War I era**. It tells of "Hungry Hank," an extremely tall, thin man desperate to enlist for patriotic duty. However, every military branch rejects him for being unsuitably built: the Army can't hide him in a trench, the Navy finds his beam too narrow, the signal corps says his height blocks radio waves, and he's too long for an ambulance. **The satire targets:** military bureaucratic absurdity and the gap between patriotic enthusiasm and practical reality. Hank's final solution—volunteering as a submarine periscope—is absurd, suggesting the ridiculous lengths desperate volunteers go to serve, while mocking both military inflexibility and blind patriotic zeal. The page also includes brief joke sections ("Did He Get the Hand-out?") poking fun at social situations and professional incompetence.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
[Great Western | <2» Champagne “Brut Special 1903” “Special Reserve” (absolutely brut) (very dry) “*Sparkling Red “Extra Dry” Burgundy” (medium) Produced by the old French slow method of fermentation in the boltle taking from six to seven years of lime. Great Western is the Only American Champagneever awarded a Gold Medal at Foreign Expositions.. Write for our free Illustrated Booklet, Pleasant Valley Wine Company Rheims, N. Y. Oldest and largest producers of Champagne in America SENSATIONAL WATCH SALE ‘ELGIN, WOWARD, WALTHAM ‘er ony Wateh you want Rasy Payments and Free Trials Free 06-page Catalog. Send tor It. GREAT DIAMOND SJ SALE per aoe Valoe, 30 DA ‘monde TERMS LOW AS Me Money Dow MLARED WARE C0., St. LIQUID PISTOL Will stop the most vicious do man) without "permanent injury. order ee ‘cola. ° Parker Stearas & Co., 294 Sheffield Ave., Dept. E, Brooklys, N. Y. gtd This Sketch a> wie The Landon School 1483 SCHOFIELD BUILDING, Tour New England Send 2c stamp to The Bancroft, Worcester, Mass., for itinerary. Address Dept. X. Zeal Triumphant By W. KEE MAXWELL THe tragic tale of Hungry Hank, Six feet and thirteen inches tall; So perpendicular and lank He scarcely could be seen at all. And yet, for all his narrow girth, He had a most expansive heart; In war he yearned to prove his worth | And do his patriotic part. With ardor shining in his eye This gallant anti-pacifist Sought out an army post nearby And said, “Permit me to enlist.” “You'll never do to fight the Dui No matter how you love the They ‘your longitude is such We couldn't hide you in a trench.” But Henry was a loyal sport; With unabated fervor he Made journey to a distant port The bos’un said: “ You'll never do, ain’t wide enough by far; with a grape-juice stew Would try to use you for a spar.” He begged to join the wireless corps; His altitude was far too high. The sergeant said, “Your lofty head Would stop the sound-waves on the fly.” as Then let me drive an ambulance,’ rnest patriot implored; hey said, “‘you’ve not a chance To get those legs inside a Ford.” Poor Hungry Hank! His hat-pin frame Was rent with sorrow sad to sce, Until an inspiration came That thrilled his spine with e “T'll show 'em how to use us At last I've hit the proper dope He said. “I'll join the sub-marines And serve ‘em as a periscope!” Did He Get the Hand-out? | Housewife—Shall I have to ask my hus- band to come? Hobo—Lady, if I was married to a peach like you, you'd have to ask me to stay away. . A Horrible Possibility Wicker—What could be more unfortunate than for the patient to know what the doctor knows? Snicker—For the patient to know what the doctor doesn’t know, of course. One Kind of Music that Doesn't Soothe the Savage Breast Co-ed—The music professor says that a horn sounds sweeter to the audience than it does to the performer. Stude—Except an auto horn. Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow Guest (putting up his cuc)—Well, old man, I must be going. Host—No, we have time for another game; your wife has just begun to say {| good-by. | Would you drink a new wine? Or a whis- key without the smooth richness of old age? Then no wonder you find difficulty in creat- ing cocktails which meet your discrimination in taste. Drink Club Cockiails Heublein of Hartford has found for you the rarest and finest of old liquors, blended them toa charm,and aged the wonderfully correct mixture in the wood before bottling. Club Cocktails will meet your most exacting requirements in all varieties. G. F. HEUBLEIN & BRO. Hartford New York London Importers of the Famous BRAND'S A-1 SAUCE SUNNY. BROOK The PURE FOOD Whiskey ‘‘Aren’t You Coming Along?” By JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGG This clever picture, in full colors, 11 x 14, mounted on a heavy mat, ready for the frame, sent prepaid for twenty-five cents, JUDGE ART PRINT DEPARTMENT 225 Fifth Avenue New York City Wanted—An Idea! Who Can Think of Some simple thing to patent? Protect your ideas, they may bring you wealth. Write for “Needed Inventions” and “How to Get Your Patent and Your Money.” Randolph & Co., PatentAt- torneys, Dept. 129, Washington, D.C. JUDGE gro to. Tre um| ind kK S P