Judge, 1916-12-23 · page 6 of 32
Judge — December 23, 1916 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces: **"An Averted Tragedy"** (cartoon and dialogue): Two twelve-year-old boys, Bob and Ted, escalate through increasingly aggressive threats and boasts—daring each other to fight with mounting bravado. The humor lies in their elaborate posturing: each threat is met with counter-threats about fighting prowess, physical damage, and family members. The "tragedy" is averted only when both boys' mothers simultaneously call them home, forcing them to abandon their confrontation. The satire mocks how boys' masculine posturing collapses immediately under parental authority. **"O, Christmas Time in Eden"** (poem): A nostalgic critique of modern commercialism. The piece contrasts Eden—where Adam and Eve had no greed, no money-seeking, no gift-giving anxiety—with contemporary Christmas, characterized by "foolish giving," materialism, and "money-begging." The satire laments how modern commerce and consumerism have corrupted what should be a simpler, happier season. **"Renewed Youth"**: A brief joke suggesting grandmothers are rejuvenating themselves—likely a commentary on changing social attitudes toward aging and appearance.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
WELL “Why, this is altogether too much for TAKEN you to manage alone, my little fellow.” “You got the right idee, boss. Will ye push or pull AN AVERTED TRAGEDY By MAX OB (aged twelve)—Don't you call me a liar! Ted (aged twelee)—Don't you call me one or I'll— “You will, huh?” “You try it on and see if I don't!” “TI dare you to touch me!” “T dare you to touch me!” “You think I'm scared to?” “You think I'm scared to touch you?” “Try it on if you think it’s safe to do “You try it on with me if you dare!” “TL could lick you with one hand tied behind me!” “Could, huh?” “That's what I could!” “Why don’t you do it then?” “You say much to me and I will, by cracky!” “Pooh! 1 could lick you and your brother and all your cousins and not half try!” “Ina horn you could!” “You give me much more of your sass and Pil— MERRY MAN “Try it on if you dare!” Who's afraid?” f you think I am you are badly left!” “Well, I'm not afraid of you nor of all your relations!” “You say much more and I'll— “You ain’t got the muscle to do it!” “You want me to belt you one to let you know if I ain't got the muscle?” “If you did you'd find yourself knocked into a cocked hat so quick you wouldn’t know what done it!” “Bah!” “Oh, Tl ‘bak’ you with one below the ribs if you come near me!” “Aw—aw—rat Go home and tell your mother she wants you!” “You go and tell yours to put on your nightie and give you your bottle and put you to bed!” “Want your jaw brok “Want your skull cracked? it thi it ist” Bob's mother—Robert, O-0-0-0-h, Rob- ert, where are you? I want you this minute! I can do Ted’s mother—Theodore, O-0-0-0-0-h, Theodore, you come right there this in- stant, sir! Bob—It's a mighty good thing for you that my mother needs me! —It’s a good thing for your bones that my mother needs me! “You just wait until the next time I ketch you out!” “You wait until I ketch you out and the claret will flow!” Yes, from your nose!” Not much—from yours!” Bah!” “Bah!” (They separate.) O, Christmas Time in Eden HEN ADAM strolled in Eden There was no gold in Eden, ‘Twas never told in Eden He was tight; Eve never sighed for money, She never cried for money, She never lied for money— That is right! Now, apropos the reason Of course, you'd know the reason?— Well, then, I'll show the reason Unto yor They had no chilly season, No gladsome, thrilly season, No Christmas silly season, As we do. There was no foolish gi 4 No senseless, droolish giving, And so, no mulish giving At that time. No one cared aught for money, Nobody sought for money, Nobody fought for money Not a dime. Sweet Eve was coyful ever, Brave Adam joyful ever; Naught, naught annoyful ever Vexed his soul. He heard no funny begging, No ceaseless money-begging, No voice of honey, begging For his roll. Without a Without a dime in Eden— Not a sou! A smiling, happy Adam, No grouchy, scrappy \dam— L envy Pappy Adam, Yes, Ido! —H. S. Malt. Renewed Youth “You're only young once.” “T dunno about that. I notice a good many grandmothers sprucing up.”