Judge — August 26, 1916 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

€ BATAAN ARAN anesthetics. And he met his father with the calm sad smile of a soldier who is about to be suspended by the neck for several hours for spying. Father didn’t look as much like an escaped haystack as son remembered him, and he had on comparatively human clothes. He didn’t carry the buggy whip and he was smoking a cigar, instead of a cob pipe. ‘*Howdy, son,” said he. ‘Hustle up. We've got to go over to the music store and get some new records for mother before we go out.”” Son allowed father to carry his neatly labeled suitcase around the station to a large brunette touring car, and when father tramped on a pedal instead of yanking a crank, he began to slip in his mind. They went around the corner on two wheels, bought a bushel of records in ten minutes, and then hit ’er up down the old pike and out to the farm like Barney Oldfield on a dirt track. When son got home he found his mother waiting for him. She had just come home from the club in a neighbor's car, and as she folded her boy to her breast she scratched his face on ala valliere with a diamond in its thorax. Then she talked to him about Imagism and the new poetry until the Japanese boy announced that dinner was served. And when son tottered out to dinner he slipped on the hardwood floors and like to died of mortification when the Jap snickered. The next day father took son out on the farm, and began to teach him how to run the various gasoline engines which pumped the water, made the light, milked the cows and plowed the fields. That was two years ago, and father says that if son keeps up and doesn’t get dis- couraged he'll learn the business and be an up-to-date farmer yet. Moral: Sometimes they learn things back home too, Veal for 4,000,000 Progressive prod- igals!’ Why wouldn't meat be high? Wl MATERNAL HERITAGE REWARDS OF THRIFT F I only had the money spent in elevating Hades, If I'd only hived the honey I have squandered on the ladies, If I had the wheels of commerce I have used pursuing pleasure, If Thad, invested some’ers, all that pile of golden treasure, T would have—— If I just had all the boodle I've put out for needless dining, If I'd only had the noodle to teetotally shun wining, If I had, in bills of yellow, all I've slipped to wealthy waiters While out playing the good fellow to a cast of second-raters, T would have— If [had the merry tinkle I have bumed up in tobacco, If I'd never tried to sprinkle on Dame Chance’s wheel my jack-o, If T'd put my eggs of fortune all in lenders’ incubators And let debtors who'd importune leam my tears were alligators’, T would have— I would have the reputations of a tightwad and a skinner, I would have the inclinations of a man who'd grudge a dinner, I would have the erudition of a cool, sequestered yam, And I'd have the disposition Of a clam. —Lee Shippey. His Own Medicine Willis—I see the Steenth regiment was packed in like sardines when they went South. Think of it, seven men toa seat! Gillis—Hurray! Isn't that great! Willis—I'm surprised to hear a patriotic fellow like yourself talk that way! Gillis—Maybe it’s wrong, but you see the President of our Traction Company is in that regiment. Post Mortem Winks—What did Jones die of? Blinks —Overwork—earning money enough to pay for the operation that saved his life. comichooks.qom