Judge — July 29, 1916 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Seasick porly—Oh, well, it wasn’t such a bad old earth after all! THE Pl By Mo FJ. I T HAVING become a NS frequent oc- currence for the jous Things to meet and determine which of them was most helpful to mankind, one day the pins took up the question. “To be perfectly frank,” said the com- mon pin, blushing modestly, “I believe I can justly claim that honor. Think of the large numbers of me in constant use— certainly very many more than of the rest of you. “Oh—as to quantity you are ahead, we admit,” exclaimed the other pins in scornful chorus, “but quality—nixie.”” “Now you are talking,” came the sneering voice of the ten-kt. diamond stick pin. ‘J am the symbol not only of quality but success. What would the ward politician do without me to proclaim his successful lead- ership?” “But you are getting us away from the real object of the dis- cussion,” objected the hat pi “Who ever heard of a ward poli- tician helping anything but himself? Now everybody knows that a woman's hat is the most important item of her costume, and I am the only one who can keep it on straight.” By this time the common pin had recovered from the rebuff of the early part of the conver- sation. “Answer this, please,” she broke in eagerly, “ when peo- ple say ‘sharp as a pin’ don’t they always refer to me?” “Oh, as for that,” impatiently exclaimed the pearl brooch, “we all have points in our favor. I, for instance, am stationed at the most critical spot of defence on the lines of respectability.” The tense silence that followed this brazen statement was bro- ken by the tenpin. “Can amuse- ments qualify?” he began; but the with- ering looks that greeted this question so jarred him that he went down in confusion. “Thad no idea,” stiffly remarked the hitherto si- lent hairpin, “that any- one would have the colos- sal nerve to question the matter of importance in my presence. Besides my regular duties, I am ready for all emergencies. Do you need to be re- minded of the thousand and one offices I success- fully perform, from hitch- ing up a suffragette hus- band’s galluses to yanking the button out of the ba- talks in his sleep. Physician—Well, that’s all right. by’s nose?” Then they all looked crest- fallen, for each had secretly hoped to gain the coveted distinction. But honesty compelled them to admit the justice of the hairpin’s claim, and they were about to award her the prize, when a bent figure was seen rapidly approaching. “Here, what's this controversy about?” panted the safety-pin, as soon as he was within hearing, “let me in on it, please.” So they repeated the arguments thus far presented. while he listened intently. “Well,” he exclaimed when they had finished “I rather guess I do come in on this, and it isn’t necessary to put up any babyish sounding claims, either. Just look around you—on boats, trains, strect- cars, in the magazines and newspapers— everywhere, the necessity for me is pro- claimed and approved; it’s the one thing everybody agrees on. What is it? Why, ‘Safety First,’ of course.” And realizing that he had hit the bull’s- eye of public opinion, and that further argument was useless, they handed him the palm. At the Movies “What did the villain say, just then?” “LT don't know. — I wasn’t looking.” Anxious mother—What can I do for little Oswald, doctor? He He's not married.