Judge, 1916-05-20 · page 12 of 28
Judge — May 20, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains satirical essays and verse mocking social types and human nature. **"The Camel's Back" (top left):** A cartoon showing someone being kicked by another, illustrating Walt Mason's free-verse poem below about a photographer's breakdown. Mason describes a studio operator who heard the same camera-breaking joke thousands of times until snapping—he violently assaults a judge and goes on a killing spree before being shot by a "tin type professor" (early photographer). The satire targets both the joke-teller's obliviousness and the photographer's violent overreaction. **"Candor" (right column):** An essay defining candor as blunt honesty. It argues candor is virtuous when genuinely helpful but becomes mere rudeness when delivered by ill-mannered people. The piece satirizes overly frank individuals who cause social disruption while ironically noting that truly candid people rarely study boxing—implying they'd face physical retaliation. **"His Futile Attempt":** A brief humorous domestic scene where a husband reads about another man kissing his wife 2,500 times daily. His wife dismissively calls him a fool, implying no deception would work on her.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
CANDOR HE ABILITY to make bruising statements in a soft v " T while keeping one’s eyes big, round, and childlike, is called candor. A candid gentleman entering a peaceful company has the same sudden and curious effect as a sprinkling of red pep. per in the immediate vicinity of a dozing cat. When a friend starts to give his candid opinion of you, it is time to close your eyes and grab something that won’t pull up by the roots. Candor is a virtue when used by a chap who is only trying to help his fellow creatures, but when some hasty, ill-bred fellow creature gets red around the ears and tries it—it becomes merely common rudeness. One of these straight-from-the-shoulder persons will cause more heartburn in two minutes than a cantaloup and onion salad would cause in two hours. If you meet candor with polite humility, you get a very good idea of what you really amount to; if you don’t, you get whatever (An Exercise in Free Verse) the magistrate considers necessary to preserve the peace. NDUCTE hy h gall It is a happy coincidence, for the self-esteem of the average I Kon ae ee ealery human, that those of a candid disposition are seldom inclined to a By industry and economy, serious study of boxing. . . I had built up an excellent business. Such a combination would be about as congenial as a wandering I had my home paid for, and money in the bank, bull with neuralgia. . ; And less fortunate people envied me. A candid soul never seems to see anything but the crack in the Thad cecoteatee ta te hate varnish which you have been trying to cover up with furniture And for a time I was happy, plsh: . . Babdtert had é cccset oecow There is no doubt but that the world is suffering from a lack of Whencver’a customer came to my.atudio candor, but, then, in this respect, the fool thing seems to want to To have his picture taken, he always said, suffer. oo, | “I'm afraid I’ll break the cami While it may be true that there is a time and place for candor. The first three thousand times I heard this jest as there is for everything else, yet, it is also true that this virtue I laughed freely and blithely meee seems to have gotten into the pesky habit of getting lost without a a watch. —Charles Elkin, Jr. Without an effort. But when I had heard it nine thousand times, It began to get on my nerves, His Futile Attempt And I found it difficult to dig up the expected laugh. Mr. Scrappington (in the midst of his reading)—Here is ar I had heard the bon mot twelve thousand item about a blasted fool who kissed his wife 2,500 times in one day Five hundred and eighty-one times, Mrs. Scrappington—Of course, he was a fool, to think he When something snapped in my head, could deceive his wife that way! What does the account say And I saw red. he had been doing? Judge Wombat stepped in, to have a group picture Of himself and his whiskers taken. As I was arranging his alfalfa, And straightening his necktie, he said, “I fear my face will break the cam- era——” I don’t remember what I hit him with, But I heard his skull give way. Then I ran amuck down the village street, Armed with a cleaver I got at the meat market. I killed a grocer and three lawyers Before I was shot down. The man who shot me a bum artist Who was taking tin types in a tent. That was the crowning humiliation— To be croaked by a tin type professor! —Walt Mason. Practical Preparedness “* Preparedness invites attack,” I'd like to understand that line: ~ COMPELLING A SURRENDER One slaps a poodle on the back— Mother—So this is what you call playin’ war—diggin’ up the garden? Now you come right out Who wants to slap a porcupine? o' there, or must I come in an’ git ye?