Judge — April 1, 1916 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Bearcat’s Oversight <M AFRAID that my least boy, Bear- cat, is too artistic to ever make a business man,” lamented Mr. Gap Johnson of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. “Tuther day the Wid- der Larrup’s ducks came swaggering over to our place. The boys, bossed by Bear- cat, who invented the game, took fence sta- ples and fastened the ducks’ feet to pieces of shingle about five inches long and three inches wide. It one of the most artistic sights you ever laid eyes on, to behold them ducks straddling and_per- petuating off down the dusty road on snow- shoes like the pious monks of St. Bernard looking for lost travelers whom they might devour, I believe it was. “Well, next thing I knowed here comes the Widder Larrup, herding her ducks back up the dusty road, following their tracks and waving a long-nosed rifle. She made several remarks, one of which was that while Bearcat was too young to be worth shooting I ‘peared to be about fit, which was what she ‘lowed to do if I didn’t unstaple her so I done it. When a widder lady s earned the reputation of having shot the ear off from a deputy marshal tells me to do anything I shore do it. But what I started to explain was that in his desire to do a neat and artistic job Bearcat forgot that the tracks that led from our house to the Widder Larrup’s also led back again.” —Tom P. Morgan. New waitress (to manager) Just to Make It Easier - HEN YOUR wife displays a persistent and aggravating tendency to take your hat from the chair where you put it and hang it neatly in the hall where you never can find it: 1. Try moving the hat rack up to the attic. If she finds it and triumphantly brings it back down, 2. Drop a hint that hats, scat- tered about the room, give it a homish air. If your hat is in the hall the next morning, 3. Make considerable of a scene to the effect that your hat is never where you leave it. If this does not bring results, 4. Reflect that you are a mar- tied man. The Soft Pedal An eminent Princeton profes- sor was disturbed one day during class hour by the crackling of peanut shells, He gave no sign of annoyance, but on dismissing the students, he glanced toward the offending group and added mildly, “And next time, gentlemen, please make it sponge cake” A Wonderful Article The soap agent had exhausted his stock of adjectives in praise of the brand he repre- sented; still the housewife was undecided. “Why, madam,” said he, with final en- treaty, “with this soap it—it is not necessary to take a bath more than once a year!” ‘This man insulted me, sir! Manager—What did he say ? New waitress—He said, “ How is your liver to-day ?” “I'll bet he's hunting for the cheese!” Even So ‘The partners who had never been well hated were having their dissolution of partnership quarrel. mn “You've been playing the baby act,’ said one, ‘‘ever since we went into business together!” “You bet I have,” said theother promptly. “I've been putting up my head against your check.” —Strickland Gillilan. The Main Question The suitor—Understand, I can support your daughter in the style to which she is accustomed. Her father—Yes, but what alimony can you pay her when you marry again? Sylvia's Bonnet YLVIA must have a bonnet; What shall the creation be? Naught, with rainbow ribbons on it, Were too “sweet” for such as shel For her eyes are wells of wonder That the vernal violets share, Or blue hyacinths blooming under— Underneath her crocus hair! Sylvia must have a bonnet Wrought of such mysterious things That nor soaring song nor sonnet. Can describe, howe’er it sings! For her cheeks have happy hints of April skies, ere comes the gloom; And her lips have rosy tints of Drooping apple-boughs in bloom. Sylvia must have a bonnet, One to wear on Easter day, That shall fill, when she shall don it, Other maidens with dismay! For my Sy! is the rarest Damsel that I ever knew, And I'd have her shine the fairest When she walks the Avenue! —Clinton Scollard. comicbooks.com