Judge — April 1, 1916 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SPRINGLING'S THREE-RING CIRCUS—THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH INCLINED AN AMATEUR MIND PROFESSIONALLY By ARTEMUS yt goes without saying,” said McFee, the filled-up philosopher, funistically inclined, “that aside from baseball players and ice men, the professional prophet for profit makes more of it than any other man. But there are professional Gs prophets who are professionals only because of the rules and laws and constitutions barring them, like golfers and tennis players, from amateurism because they work at it though without perceptible financial gain. There are, incidentally, more prophets in this world than were ever dreamed of when the Old Testament was inscribed. Their number is slighted _be- cause nowadays their workings are different But did you ever try to count the men who cry ‘I told you so’ after an event of impor- tance has taken place? “I myself am a prophet in my own weak way. When Mrs McFee starts for the shopping section and tells me she will be home in time to have dinner ready, I capitalize my prophetic powers by visiting a restaurant before going home. “When Arabella leaves home in the summer season for a rest and change somewhere or anywhere, I look into the future and find her returning home minus both r and change. When she reads from her magazine of changes in fashion, my prophetic mind bestirs my gray matter into a ready acquisition of green matter. “When I send my nine-year-old son to wash his face I can safely prophesy he will not wash his ears, as then his argument will be that they are part of his neck; if he is told to wash his neck I prophesy with equal certainty that he, then considering his ears part of his face, will not wash them. If, to dovetail both arguments, I tell him to wash face and neck, I can still safely prophesy an utter abandon of his aural appendages, as he will advance the plea that they are as separate and distinct from face and neck as are his toes. “If the McFee family fixes a day on which it will visit the country, to stroll the dusty highways and drink in the golden sunshine can prophesy the weather for that day, even if plans are made five months and a fortnight in advance. It always rains. This pro- phetic power was soaked into me by attendance at Sunday school picnics. “Prophetic power is not personal; not confined to the individual. WARD UTTING Knowing a pretty woman, the prophet can tell she will choose as companion a woman of lesser attraction. Learning of a splendid piece of scenery en route on a sightseeing trip, he knows, even while acquiring atime-table at his journey’s beginning, that a line of freight cars will obstruct his vision. Going anywhere he can prophesy that every fifty feet of sidewalk will reveal at least one hairpin. “The ending of the war, you ask? Oh, that’s a matter to be foretold by prophets for profits. Although the amateur can come fifty-filty by electing either the Allics or the Germans as winner. For my part I content myself in serious matters by predicting the pennant winner. And while the Giants were pretty punk last year, my prophetic power tells me that this year they will—” The ‘phone bell rang and he alled from me. Since when I have been wondering what he knows about the coming season's baseball charapionship. It takes a mighty good prophet to sooth- say definitely about this—almost as good a prophet as he who can foretell the future of the coup! heduled to be knotted ‘neath bowers of blossoms in June. Query Dyer—Oh, well, Dunne has his good points. Ryer—Is that the reason he sticks everybody? Her—How do you see to steer? — Him—I don't. I go by dead reckoning. comicbooks.com