Judge — February 12, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

53 “Sy HEN you have climbed the long hard hill that leads to W Easy Street, and have some roubles in your till, and lots of things to eat, then old companions come along, the friends of other times, to charm you with a dance and song, and touch you for some dimes. Your back beneath the burden bends, and wearily you wheeze, “I must have had more bosom friends than any dog has fleas, for every day I meet some gent whose soul calls to my soul, who tells how we together went to school and swimming hole; and how we robbed a farmer’s trees when all the world was young, and then attacked a swarm of bees, and both of us got stung. He asks me if I don’t recall how such things used to be, then backs me up against a wall, and strikes me for a V.”” “Of course you don’t remember me,” the new-come stranger sighs, “and yet I am akin to thee—just let me put you wise. Your uncle’s cousin’s brother Paul was married to my aunt, which makes us cousins—after all, what more could kindred want? I heard that you were living here, with forty kinds of tin, and so I thought I would draw near, to talk about our kin. My Uncle Biram lost his life by falling down a well, and Cousin Henry’s second wife is in the boob hotel. My Cousin Jane poured kerosene upon the kitchen fire, and she is playing tunes, I ween, upon a golden lyre. And that reminds me, I am bare of duds and things to eat; if you What Was She Doing? “cc Y, Lou,” said Hillison to his wife the other evening when they were getting ready to go out for dinner. ‘Can't you just lay out my evening suit and the fixings that go with it, while I shave? Wish you would. I think that the trousers of my suit need brushing around the bottom of them, for it was rainy and muddy when I wore them last and I think you will find some mud on them. Put the studs into my evening shirt, will you? And the cuff buttons into the cuffs, please. And take the chain off my watch and put my evening dress watch fob on the watch, please. Don’t forget to lay out a clean handkerchief for me and get out my evening shoes. I think that one of them needs a new lace in it. See if it doesn’t. And I wish that you would trim up the nails on my right hand for me when I am through shaving. And please be ready to tie my evening tie. I always make a mess of it when 1 try to tie it myself. Oh, yes, get out a clean collar—an evening collar, you know, and can’t you find time to give my overcoat a lit- tle brushing? Wish you would. And brush my silk hat up a little while you are about it. Are there any suspenders on my evening trousers? No? I thought I took them off to put on the trousers of my new business suit. Just take them off the trousers of my business suit and put them on my evening trousers, will you? I'm most ready now for you to tic my tie. Got the studs and cuffs in my evening shirt? Don’t forget to lay out my shirt front protector.” Thirty minutes later: “What! you aren’t dressed 4 What in time have you been doing? Here it is almost time for us to start and you aren't dressed yet! By Jove! if it took us men as long to doll up for the evening it does you women, we'd never get anywhere until midnight! Here am I all dressed and even with my gloves on and you not half dressed! What in time you been doing the last hour? We began getting ready at the same time and I have been all ready for ten minutes! Talk about women voting! Jee-whizz! the polls would be closed while they were still standing before their mirrors!) What you been doing anyhow?” —Max Merryman. His Unreasonableness “Thunder and guns!” snarled Kidderpop. “I dropped my col- lar button and the baby swallowed it. Now, how am I going to button my collar?” “Dear m How should I know?” wife. ‘Some men are so unreasonable!” sweetly replied his have twenty you can spare, ’twill put me on my feet.” Then at your gate a graybeard old, with feeble steps appears, and he is covered deep with mold, with cobwebs in his ears. “I’ve nearly reached the journey’s end,” the ancient pilgrim sighs; “and I have come long miles, my friend, on you to feast my eyes. For when you were a little child, I held you in these arms, and gazed upon your beauty mild, and reveled in your charms. Full oft I’ve chanted you to sleep, with croonish lullaby, and I must have one final peep at you before I die. And if per- chance you have an X of which you can dispose, ’twill cheer the weariest of wrecks, and give my sou! repose.” Thus they turn up, with stories sweet, the friends of long ago, when you've arrived in Easy Street, and have a stack of dough. Knew What Was Coming Willis—They say Dr. Bump is very quick to send a bill. Gillis—Quick! He is premature. I happened to men- tion to him this morning that I am going to a bachelor supper to-night. Willis—Yes? Gillis—And this afternoon I received a bill for to- morrow morning’s services. . Freddy (whose parents believe in a sensible diet for children, and have restricted his dinner accordingly, and whose father has said gracc)—Oh, father! how can anyone be thankful for only one piece of pie? comicbooks.com